#you are not allowed to interpret (make guesses about) me anymore. and it drives me INSANE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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I am sitting at a baseball game with James. I forgot that they said we were doing this today. I'm having a nice time but also I am really sleepy. Today was a pretty good day but I didn't sleep great and I just really wanted to be home.

I woke up and tried stretching and it helped a little. I got dressed and James would drive me to camp. They had a bagel for me. And it was a pretty nice drive in. We listened to a podcast and had big laughs about a game where you had to guess the host of a podcast based on the guests and we were having a great time.

We got to camp at 9 and James helped me get stuff out of the car. And then they left me at the office. Heather was just getting there but we both still had to wait because she left her office key at home. Opps.

So we talked about her trip to Zion national park last week. I got sure would love to go see that. Seems so unreal. And we also talked about pewter casting at camp. I would send her some stuff about it later.

Once Elizabeth got there she told me what needed to be done but also told me don't try to do everything because we had so much staff today. She was correct I would have just tried to do it alone and exhausted myself.

When I got outside Celia was pulling up so I asked if she just wanted to drive up to the low ropes course. And that was perfect. She was like yes but also my car is full of baby mice?? I did not care but I was like. Slightly concerned she is driving a mouse van.

We got up the low ropes and worked together to get that set out. She worked on the ladder and I untangled the ropes.

While we were finishing that up Sarah and Dachelle pulled up in the gator to get ground elements stuff to take over to the tipi feild. And then we headed over there to help untangle all of that.

It was kind of a slow wait. The bus was late. But it was fine. Once it did come I met it outside and helped direct traffic a bit until Elizabeth came over and we figured out what was up.

This was a sleepover group so they unloaded and went up to the cabins. I helped direct there too. And got to meet a few teachers that hadn't been there last week. Because this was the same school, just the highschool and not the middle school. And I recognized some of them from last year. And that was nice.

We got them all on the feild and they decided to do free choice to make their groups. Which would have been fine but then they did that again after lunch? So then the groups were all mismatched and there was no reason for that. It was so stupid and stressed everyone out.

But thankfully the programs all went super well. Me and Celia started with ground elements and would have low ropes the rest of the day. And it was lot of fun honestly. Having the larger groups allowed us to really do the programs more thoroughly. And when they didn't want to do it anymore I read a few of their fortunes. I had a big long chat with Celia about how neither of us believe in cards or magic or anything but card reading is so much for like. Story telling reasons. Interpreting and basically improve on the fly. It's just fun.

Lunch was quiet. Me and Celia ate on the porch. I paid some bills and did some accounting. It's half way through the head and I wanted to make some projections about the rest of it. And if things go the way I hope we should be in a pretty good place.

Like I said though they wanted to do free choice again in the afternoon. Which of course was super confusing and then we were all sort of thrown off. But it was fine in the end and we figured it out. I was a little stressed about it though and felt a little annoyed with the person who organized it but it would work out.

In the last group we did have one student who had already done low ropes. He requested we do the team wall though so we made that happen for him. And then got into low ropes. And while two people did fall, overall it was fun and everyone did great.

I checked in with the group about finishing early so they would have time to change for the pool. And that worked out great. Celia ran the swing while I watched the part of the group that was finished the program and Sarah worked on taking the ropes down.

We were very efficient.

Once the group left I headed to the field to put away ground elements for tomorrow. And then to the office to get the Gator key to go collect water coolers. Celia would come with me and we drove all around to find them. Finding Tony had dumped one out, which was only annoying because we were supposed to combine them to take to the pool. But whatever, with the others we made one full one. Dropped it off at the pool and then drove to the lodge to drop off the empty ones.

We got back to the office and of course then Elizabeth asked us to take the trash out at the lodge. Thankfully James was just pulling up to come get me so they drove us over there but it was already done so we were able to bust drop Celia off at her car and then me and James went home.

When we got back we ran into Nick in the hall. He just bought a house on 4 acres and is slowly moving and I'm so happy for him. It was also just really nice to see him.

I was happy to get out of my work clothes. I took a shower. I was coated in dust and it really made me feel better but I was still pretty tired. We laid in bed for a while. But at 530 we got ready to get out of there to go to the baseball game.

We walked to the lightrail station. Someone yelled out the window to ask if James was Justin Tucker, a sports person, and we got round trip tickets so we could get back easy later.

Taking the lightrail was nice. And we got here and got tickets no problem. James got us fries and they got themselves chicken tenders. Eventually we would also get cotton candy. And I've been having fun. The other team has 1 run and we have 7, which is very embarrassing for them. I've been enjoying people watching. And I'm tired and my earrings are hurting but I am happy.

Tomorrow I have an early day but we will have a short day as well. Ending after noon. So I'll come home and hopefully get some cleaning done. I hope tomorrow is fun. I hope we win. But even if we dont I am still glad we came!!!

Goodnight everyone!!

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nakamoto-aesthetics · 4 years ago

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test drive

{ synopsis : you and nct were bored so you decided to go around the table and disclose a lot of sexual information (it gets more and more sexual as you read on ;) }

{ genre : headcanon/sexual }

{ warning : this is solely my interpretation of nct 127 and not confirmed information }

{ word count : 1.7k }

“I guess I’ll start then,” taeyong inhales a deep breath. “…im a switch” taeyong says dramatically and puts his head down as if it was a big secret. you all looked at him with a straight face, not saying anything until he looks up again. “what?” taeyongs eyes dance around the table.

“tell me something I don’t know” you snark.

“what do you mean?” he visibly furrows his eyebrows.

“she means, we all know that you love to be tied up and whipped,” jaehyun says blankly. “who's next?” he further says cutting taeyong off completely.

“im next, let’s just go around the table,” johnny says looking at the others. “i’m a dom obviously”

“tell us why. oh, and everyone has to explain why just so they know. except for taeyong, the lyrics you write say enough” you look at him and everyone laughs. taeyong makes a face in return and you smile before looking back at johnny.

“because i’m not getting tied up and shit, the girl is. i’ll allow her to feel up on me but that’s it.” johnny shrugs and looks at haechan since he’s next.

“i’m a dom but will allow a girl to have her fun. i’ll let her do whatever she wants just because she loves it. it won’t happen too often tho because i’ll be taking control most of the time.” haechan says, nodding and looking at jungwoo.

“um… switch. I like to be in control but I also like a woman who could dom me hard. like the whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, all of that is hot. they don’t even have to be used on me it’s just the image of a woman who is like that, is so sexy. especially when they wear lingerie” jungwoo bites his lip softly, seemingly getting lost in his thoughts.

“so your like taeyong? got it. next.” you point to taeil.

“I guess… switch because I want the girl to have fun, as long as she’s enjoying it then I am too” taeil shrugs simply.

“dom… do I have to explain myself?” yuta shifts his eyes around the table.

“yes”

“because I like to do the tying up and fucking, not the other way around. but if I really love the girl then i’ll let her have her fun until I take control again” yuta explains and then leans back in his chair.

“dom but I wouldn’t mind a woman taking control” doyoung says.

“so… switch?” johnny says.

“no, dom” doyoung looks at johnny.

“no- you know what never mind. just go jaehyun” johnny makes the ‘whatever’ hand gesture.

“dom all the way because im the top, simple. my girl will be moaning my name and that’s, that” jaehyun shrugs and the group moves their eyes to mark, who looked he was deep in thought. his head was pointing down at the table, it took for a tap on the shoulder to pull him out of his thoughts.

“is it my turn?” mark asks with wide, confused eyes.

“yes mark” yuta replies. a/n: I can hear his voice lmao

“my bad, um… dom; my girl is not performing all that extra shit on me, and quite frankly I don’t think I will either. I would probably only use handcuffs and that’s it… what’s that called?” marks eyes look around the table for an answer.

“soft dom?” you furrow your eyebrows.

“yes, that’s it” he points to you. “i’m a soft dom”

“cute, next,” you say the first part sarcastically. “my turn” you smile devilishly at the boys, looking at their faces individually. some of them looked confused, blank, or amused.

“i’m a… switch” your nose scrunches up as you smile. “it really depends on the person, like if they give me sub vibes then I automatically wanna dom them but if they give me dom vibes then i’ll want to submit to them” you smirk. “I could make every single one of your dreams come true”

“oh really?” johnny cocks his eyebrow and you nod with a small smile. “alright then go around this table and say what vibe each of us give you; oh and you have to say what you want to do with us” you widen your eyes and almost choke on your spit when you hear that. the boys are amused at this and clap their hands.

“I don’t think that’s necessary” you wave your hand.

“sure it is y/n” doyoung smirks. a bunch of yeah’s come for the guys, agreeing with doyoung.

“I don’t think your ready” you shake your head, looking at all of them. they protest at this statement, making you sigh and then finally agree to it.

“taeyong” you smile staring at him. you see him visibly gulp as his eyes are staring back into yours, that’s when your demeanor completely changes. “you give me switch vibes and I want to dom you. I want to tie your hands behind your back, blindfold, and whip you. I’d want to hear your pretty noises too” you smirk the whole time you release the words. he awkwardly laughs in return, not knowing what to say to that. the other guys were a mix of amused and dumbfounded but you didn’t pay any mind to it purposefully.

“johnny” you look at him and smile innocently. he stares at you with eyes that were slowly seducing you. “dom vibes. I want you to cut off my airways with your hands and then make me cum so many times that I end up passing out” you bite your lip teasingly, trying to get under his skin a bit and it works. he’s looking back at you with dark eyes, most likely imagining the scenario.

“haechan” you bite your lip and look him up and down. “dom vibes but doesn’t mean I don’t want to fuck you from behind” you wink at him, making him widen his eyes the farthest they’ll go. “although, I do want your lips all over my body” you click your tongue and look at the guy next to him.

“jungwoo” you say lovingly and put your head in your palm. “switch vibes. your appearance changes a lot, from cute to hot in the blink of an eye. anyways, I want to dom you and give you your ultimate fantasy. I want your eyes to be focused on me and me only baby boy” you look at him with dark eyes and he returns that same look to you. “and I want those lips on my body too” your teeth tug on your bottom lip slightly before shifting your eyes over.

“taeil” you smile sweetly at him, scrunching your nose cutely. “you strike me more as the I don’t care vibes. like you don’t care if your top or bottom, you just want to be with your lover. but honestly, I would wanna make love to you more than anything and that’s the truth” you shrug and he grins.

“yuta” your eyes automatically get darker. “hard dom for sure. I want you to rail me until I can’t walk anymore, and I want to make out with you” he cocks his eyebrow at you which you find so hot but you decide to keep your cool.

“doyoung” your eyes soften at his bunny face. “switch vibes. I want to ride you and make you moan my name” you lick your lips. the small, yet effective sentence was enough to make him so flustered he had to cover his face. you knew just from that, that you’d done your job successfully and decide to move along.

“jaehyun” you look him up and down with an amused face. “dom vibes, so much that it makes me wanna suck your dick so bad. your confidence can come off as cocky sometimes but it’s hot all at the same time. I wanna make you feel so good” you bite your lip. he’s playing with his bottom lip and looking back at you with attentive eyes. you end with a wink and look to mark, to say the least, he looks terrified.

“mark” you smile with a pout playing on your lips. “calm down, you’re a soft dom obviously and I only wanna have vanilla sex, you know regular, standard sex.” you shrug.

“isn’t that boring though?” taeyong says.

“with mark, nothing is ever boring” you smile softly at mark and he gives you a light smile back. “alright i’m done” you sigh. “you guys hungry because I am” you go to stand up but johnny wraps his hand around your wrist from across the table, gripping it firmly.

“ah, ah, ah, you're not going anywhere princess, sit down and don’t make me tell you again” you swore he was eye-fucking you right now. his eyes were focused on you heavily, moving their way up and down your body.

“yes, daddy” you grin and sit down. johnny bites his lip harshly and takes his hand off your wrist. you felt a sadness at the loss of contact but then felt a hand on your thigh. you look up to find out who the owner was and you weren't too surprised to find that it was taeyong. he looking at you, looking you up and down before looking away. what was it about the outfit we're wearing that attracted all of them? all you were wearing was a tank top and some leggings, that’s literally it what was so special?

you look down at yourself immediately identifying the problem. your shirt had been too low for an undisclosed amount of time. you were on the verge of flashing them all without noticing it but you think you were more upset that they didn’t let you know.

“really guys? you couldn’t help out a friend” you shake your head and adjust your bra and pull up your shirt.

“but then we wouldn’t have gotten to see all that we just saw” johnny replies instantly.

“is that true?” you look around the table and they nod in compliance. “you all are perverts” you breathily laugh.

“you shouldn’t be talking” jaehyun fires back.

“but- you’re right” you shrug and it gets quiet. “so… what do you guys want to do now?” the guys all look at each other, smirking and nodding, some whispering to the other. you didn’t know what they were talking about but whatever it was, there was no way it was good. they all then stop talking and look at you.

“we want to test drive you”

NCT Masterlist

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jean-kayak · 4 years ago

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Chapter 7

Summary: A relaxing summer at home after your second year of college sounds nice, until someone comes back and makes it anything but

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x black!fem!reader

Warnings: none

A/N: This is a FLASHBACK, basically telling the beginning of how Eren and reader met

Word Count: 2624

Tags: @her-majesty-kiara, @germfart3, @iwascrybaby, @styxtm, @bigdaddyzawa, @erensblackgirlfriend, @prxttyguardian

Chapter Summary: One interaction makes your feelings towards him do a complete 180

Jean didn't really care about the fact that his mom was getting remarried, what bothered him the most was the fact he wasn't going to be the only kid in the house anymore.

"It can't be that bad, Jean," you tell him, but like all kids around the age of ten years old, he was too stubborn to admit that it wasn't that bad.

"I don't like him," he protests. "He's weird." You had seen Eren around whenever you were at Jean's house both of you sitting in the living room entertaining yourselves with whatever you could find.

"Weird how?"

"He doesn't like the things that I like, and our parents always make us hang out," Jean explains, and when you look back on it, it's probably because Eren was on his way into high school while the both of you were just starting middle school.

"It might get better," you offer, trying to remain optimistic, but Jean wasn't having it, brushing you off again.

"But my mom seems happy so I guess I'll put up with him." For a while, Jean would always run next door to your house when the yelling at his got too much to bear, and your parents always welcomed him in, and you were happy because you had someone to play with on days when you were so bored you thought you would die.

The wedding was a couple of months later, the event taking place during the summer, and Jean messes with the collar of his suit for the thousandth time. "I'm hot," he whispers, and you roll your eyes at the repeating complaint.

You and Jean were sitting at the kids' table at the reception, and while you happily eat your food, Jean has a scowl on his face. "I know I said I was happy because my mom was happy, but this really stinks."

"Jean, it's going to get better, and complaining won't change the situation."

You had never spoken to Eren before the wedding, always watching him in passing whenever he'd go into the kitchen to get something before walking back up the stairs to his room.

"You're Y/N, right? Jean's friend." You're sitting at the table by yourself now, and you turn to look see Eren standing next to you before he sits down in the chair beside yours.

"Yeah." You don't really know what to say, you've never had a conversation with him before, but even if you did, what would you even talk about? "Our moms' are really good friends."

He nods his head, and you fiddle with the hem of your dress awkwardly. "You wanna see something cool?" You give him a hesitant look before slowly nodding your head.

He grabs a sheet of paper resting on the table that was there for the kids to color on, and you watch him fold the paper before tearing a piece off, continuing to fold the paper. He grabs a few crayons, writing on the paper before he unfolds it, sticking his fingers into the slots. You know you've seen it before, but you can't remember what it's called.

He holds it out to you. "Pick a color." You look down at his hands before pointing to a square.

"Yellow." You watch as he moves the craft before he leaves it open, holding it out of you again.

"Pick a number." You lean forward to look before pointing to a number.

"Four." He moves his hands four times before telling you to pick another number. He moves his hands again before telling you to pick another number, and this time he opens the flap.

"You're going to have an awesome life," he reads, and you look at him in confusion, a small smile on your face.

"What is that?"

"A fortune teller." Yeah, that's what they're called. He hands it to you, and you take it. He helps you put your fingers in the slots, showing you how to move your hands. He spends the next hour showing you how to make them, and the table is covered in fortune tellers, both of you figuring out wacky stuff to write on the flaps.

"You're pretty cool, Y/N. I don't know how you became friends with Jean," he tells you, and you mess with the fortune teller in your hands as you try to find a response.

"Thanks?" you try. "Jean's pretty cool though," you argue, sticking up for your best friend. He chuckles in response before he stands.

"I'll see you around," he tells you, rubbing the top of your head softly before walking away. You watch him walk away, confused at the interaction you just had with him.

But that was the moment where your feelings towards him and for him changed.

After the wedding, it seemed like Eren was everywhere you went. He'd ride to school with you and Jean, his mom dropping the both of you at the middle school before he'd get dropped off at the high school, and that was the routine you all fell into.

Apparently, things got a little bit better between the new brothers because you didn't hear much complaining from Jean about how much he hated being related to him, but then he started complaining about how annoying he is, and their relationship turned into the one they have now.

After your interaction at the wedding, it seemed like Eren made more of an effort to talk to you much to Jean's disdain, but it seems like the more it annoys him, the more Eren talks to you. He'll start talking to you if you're by yourself in the room or if he catches you in the hallway. To say the least, it confuses you, but you talk to him anyway.

By the time eighth grade rolls around, your relationship with him has grown and you hesitantly call it a friendship. You don't really know if that's what you would call it because you don't hang out with him like you do with Jean or your other friends, but you talk like you're friends.

This is also the time when you start to get confused regarding your feelings about him. You don't like how weird you feel you talk to him, or that you find yourself laughing way too hard at the jokes he says, and you try to shake it off, but it won't go away like it's hanging over your head.

It's his junior year of high school which means that he drives you and Jean to school, and you always sit in the back with Jean, refusing to sit in the front seat for a completely different reason than Jean, and one day he asks you about it.

"You don't hate me, do you?" You're walking back from the bathroom when you walk into Eren, who's making his way to his room.

You frown at him. "Why would I hate you?"

"I mean, it's nothing. It's just, you always sit in the back. I know why Jean doesn't want to sit in the front."

You brush him off with a wave of your hand. "Oh, um, it's nothing. I don't hate you, I just..." you trail off, trying to find an excuse better than telling him how you really feel.

"It's no sweat. But you can sit in the front, it gets kinda lonely up there."

The first few times, you stay in the back, too chicken to sit in the front, but Eren doesn't seem to call you on it, and you sigh in relief. But one morning, you're walking towards the car, and you see Jean sleeping in the backseat. You hesitate, but you swallow your nerves and make your way to the passenger's side of the car.

You don't make eye contact with him as you put your backpack between your legs as you close the door. "Morning," he greets, and you quickly look at him to see that he's staring at you as you put your seatbelt on.

"Morning," you parrot, hoping the tension in the car isn't as awkward as you feel, which is very.

He doesn't say anything as he backs out your driveway, starting the fifteen minute drive to the school. "Welcome to the front seat," he jokes, and it takes you no time to smile. "By the way, this is an exclusive club. Only certain people are allowed to join."

You chuckle as you turn to look at him before you raise your eyebrows. "Really? I'm honored that you allowed to me join," you quip, and you ignore the way your heart skips when he smiles.

"Of course, but Jean's not allowed." He lowers his voice to make sure he doesn't wake him up, and you roll your eyes.

"And why not?" you ask.

"Because I like you a lot more." You try not to interpret his words wrong, but that part of you does anyway, and you feel your face grow hot, masking it with a small laugh. His words mean nothing, there's no hidden meaning. Or so you try and convince yourself.

The next time you sit in the front seat, you don't have a choice. Eren and Jean both have stuff covering half of the back seat, so you're forced to sit in the front, much to your chagrin. You were already having a rough morning, and your feelings being all over the place now that you're in the car with Eren isn't helping. It makes fifteen minutes feel like a lifetime.

You sigh heavily as you rest your head against the headrest, turning to look out the window, you already know Jean's asleep, but your brain is so fried, that the last thing you can even try is sleeping. You feel something tap your arm, and you jump slightly before turning your head.

"Here. You can play whatever you want." You see Eren holding the aux cord in his hand in your direction, and you shake your head.

"No, it's okay. You probably won't like what I listen to," you tell him, and he shrugs.

"Doesn't matter if I like it or not. If you want to listen to your music then go ahead." You give him a small smile as you grab it, plugging it into your phone. You try to find a song that you wouldn't be too embarrassed to play in front of him, and as soon as the music starts, you feel significantly better.

"This your favorite song?" Eren asks you over the music.

"Yeah, one of them. What makes you say that?"

"Your mood just lifted." And now that feeling is back again. You shrug, hoping you're not wearing your emotions on your face.

"I listen to this song whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed," you tell him, and it's true. Any time you're feeling too much of any emotion, you play the song, and it seems to make everything feel like it's okay, even if it's only for the duration of the song.

"It's a good song," he comments, and you feel a tiny bit of pride in your chest, but you brush it off, turning your head to focus on the images of the town flying by.

Today just wasn't your day. Valentine's Day is today so everyone is a little restless, hoping to get valentines from the person they like, and the boy that you thought you were pretty buddy buddy with gave you a note basically telling you that he didn't like you anymore and that there was someone else.

You roll your eyes at the scratchy handwriting before balling it up and throwing it on your way out of the classroom. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it did bruise your ego a little. You mostly had him there as a distraction from an even bigger problem you were currently dealing with.

Some of your friends and Jean get you candy, so you angrily stuff it in your mouth as you wait for your ride. You're by yourself today, Jean deciding to take up track, seeing how it works out, so while the season is going on, you're left with no one to talk to as you walk over to the high school.

You have your earbuds in, kicking at a rock by your feet when you feel someone nudge your shoulder, and you take one of your earbuds out. "I'm taking you home today," Eren tells you, nodding his head towards the parking lot. "Let's go."

You follow Eren to his car, hopping in the passenger seat without thinking before you're drifting off into your mind, and you don't even realize that you're not going home. You frown, turning to look at Eren, but he doesn't look your way as he pulls into the parking lot of the small ice cream parlor.

He doesn't say a word as he gets out, and you scramble to get your seat belt off as you wordlessly follow him inside. "You can go sit, I'll be right back." And he doesn't even give you a chance to respond. You find a table towards the back, burying yourself in your phone as you rest your chin on your palm.

You look up when a cup of ice cream is placed in front of you, your favorite flavor, as Eren sits across from you, and you pull your earbuds out of your ears. "Happy Valentine's Day," he says, and you look down to see your cup in a heart shape, but his is too, so you don't sweat it too much, but your face still gets hot at the gesture.

"What's this for?" you ask, and he's already digging into his ice cream.

"You looked like you needed a pick-me-up. I heard Jean mention that this was one of your favorite places to go." God, he just doesn't want to make your life any easier, does he?

You nod before scooping some of the ice cream on your spoon. "Thanks," you tell him quietly and he nods. You will yourself to not read into the situation, telling yourself it means nothing, that you're just a little kid to Eren. His younger brother's friend. That's all you are to him.

"You wanna talk about it?"

You shake your head quickly as you think about the boy, shivering at the chill that runs through your body from the ice cream. "It's stupid," you respond, and all in all, it was. The root of your issue was stemming from the guy sitting in front of you, not the guy that rejected you.

You both sit in silence, eating your ice cream as you take in the surroundings inside the parlor and out. "I owe you one," you tell him when you finish your ice cream.

"Nah, don't worry about it. It's on me." You smile at him before looking down, running your spoon through the melted liquid leftover at the bottom of the cup.

"I just have a lot going on in my head right now." You don't know why you're telling him this, but you don't go into any more detail. You can't afford to.

"I get that," he agrees. "Your head'll clear eventually."

You spend the next couple of hours just talking to Eren, who gets more ice cream after he finishes his first cup, and for the first time in a while, you feel a little lighter. That fuzzy feeling in your chest isn't as strong anymore, and you find it ironic.

The guy that's causing your head to swirl with too many emotions for your liking, who's causing that stupid said fuzzy feeling in your chest, makes you feel like you can tell him anything.

And you hate it.

|Chapter 6|Masterlist|Chapter 8

#nothing changed #eren jaeger #eren yaeger #eren jaeger x black reader #eren yaeger x black reader #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction

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maeviana · 4 years ago

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Lorelai Gilmore & Luke Danes Analysis & how I would change the story

A Lorelai Gilmore analysis because apparently I'm doing this for everyone on the show now!

Lorelai Gilmore...how do I begin to describe Lorelai Gilmore. There are times when Lorelai can be my favourite character and times where she can be my least favourite character.

I think Lorelai denying the fact that she is still very privileged despite leaving her parents world when she was 16 is one reason she can drive me up the walls. Lorelai is a conventionally attractive white woman who fits the trope of 'single mom but my child is really smart so men don't see it as a turn off' - she seems to be able to get any guy she wants, the whole town falls at her feet and are willing to do pretty much anything to help her, she was promoted to Manager seemingly above Michelle (who actually went to school to train to be a concierge or whatever he is and who we know started at the same time as Lorelai) Lorelai has all the advantages of someone who spent their whole life in a small town but whenever she needs it or wants it she always has her parents money to fall back on or their connections which I get makes her uncomfortable and I don't hold her privilege against her - no but what I can hold against her is the fact that Lorelai Gilmore is not a pay it forward kind of gal.

When I say that Lorelai is not very "pay it forward" I'm going to talk about three incidents where Lorelai benefitted from something in the past which she does not need anymore and which she very begrudgingly relinquishes.

1. The first is when Suki wants to ask her if Rune can sleep in the potting shed while he is out of work. Lorelai's response to this is "Suki that's where Rory and I stayed when she was a baby" Just to recap Lorelai was allowed to stay in the potting shed rent free when Rory was growing up until Rory was 11 until she could afford to get a place of her own. Which is fine. But Lorelai has her own place now and now she is in a position to help someone else who could use the same help that she was once given and her first instinct is to keep it for herself which is made worse by the fact that Suki is asking her - Suki is Head Chef at the Inn and so she equals Lorelai in rank - as long as Rune staying in the shed doesn't interfere with the running of the inn, it should not be Lorelai's place to deny her.

2. When Jess comes to town. When Jess comes to town Lorelai doubts Luke's ability to care for a rebellious teen - which again is fine. She tries to reach out to Jess twice and ....things don't go well which I also think is fine (except for her essentially telling Jess that Dean is better than him ummm wtf Lorelai he's 17) ...look I could do a whole other post about Lorelai and Jess' interactions (Jess is my absolute favourite character on the show so you can probably guess what I'm going to say) and why they don't get on but I'm going to focus on Lorelai's reaction to the car crash and what she says to Luke in 'Teach Me Tonight' when Luke tells her he has an obligation to Jess and she responds that he had an obligation to the town and to her and to Rory. We are shown and we are told that Luke has done a lot for Lorelai and would do a lot for someone that he cares about, however, I think again that on some level Lorelai thinks of Luke's generosity towards her as a special privilege just her own. I don't think Lorelai views Jess as someone like herself who needs a "Mia" or a "Luke" to help him get through a difficult time to let him stay in a metaphorical emotional "potting shed" but look having said that she does cut Jess some breaks and does help Luke understand things about Jess.

3. Her not wanting Mia to sell the Independence Inn because she wanted a memory home....ummm what. the. fuck?

Growing up Emily tried to control almost every aspect of Lorelai's life and this has impacted Lorelai by her being ultra controlling in her own life. I think her need to have complete control over her life made it very difficult for her to get serious with anyone because to do so you need to have a 50/50 say in a shared life. I think it's really telling that her two major love interests even over the guy she was engaged to are two men who have been in her life the longest.

I think at the end of the day when it comes to relationships Lorelai just wants someone to love her and to listen to her. She wants someone who would be willing to sleep on a park bench outside her window and someone to call at 2am. i think Emily and Richard we’re a real unit in their household and I think Emily was a Wife first, a lady of high society second and a mother third. Richard was well emotionally shut down and was all about appearances. But Emily and Richard work well as a unit, they are kind of like Lorelai and Rory that way they have their own way of doing things, their own language. I think it was hard for Lorelai growing up an only child next to that kind of relationship but not on the inside.

The story line I'm most annoyed about the writers dropping for Lorelai was the story line of her now living her life as an adult woman without a child - about her not wanting to be pregnant. The offer from her Dad's friend to buy the inn and for her to go travelling by herself! But if there is one thing that comes for all television characters in shows in the 00s it's hetero normative ideals those relentless bitches! Because...here is the thing I think that the life Rory thinks she wants for herself travelling and seeing the world as an independent woman that life is really the life that Lorelai wants. Lorelai is very like her Dad and she even says that she wants to travel like her Dad always travelled and I'm so annoyed that THAT wasn't the major Luke and Lorelai conflict instead of April Nardini. (who I think was in part written as a way to give Luke a biological child of his own and still get with Lorelai ....because again hetero-normativity) (its a trope *cough* How I met your mother *cough*) That's why the whole "Wild" trip was written for Lorelai in my opinion it's because Lorelai does want to go out and have an adventure and she does want to find herself. What's more annoying about this story line being dropped though is because the seeds for it being a major Luke and Lorelai conflict are there. Dean telling Luke that Lorelai wants more than Stars Hollow, Lorelai's curiousity about the job offer from her Dad's friend and Lukes reaction to that, Lorelai realising that some of her aversion to certain paths in life come from her parents wanting them for her which may include "going corporate" which could open doors for travel. That’s how Luke lost the last love of his life - Rachel. It was potrayed that she was always leaving - but it could also be interpreted as Luke never following her. Then Lorelai wants to travel to run incorporations of an inn that Rachel introduced her to through her pictures.

Think about it Luke's major character flaw is that he finds change very difficult. He lives in the same town he has lived in his whole life, he doesn't change his clothes, he can't make a move. This made sense for Luke before - he needed to be so solid because his family was so erratic, he needed to be there for his dad, he needed to be there to bail his sister out but at the end of the show Luke has no reason not to change, his business is well established enough that he could trust Ceasar to run it while he was away, he (would not have had) any children, any real reason to stay in the town other than stubbornness.

I don't find April annoying as a character - I find why she was written annoying. Luke didn't need a kid. The show is filled with biological parent child relationships that don't work, that show that bonds are more about being there for someone than being in their DNA. I feel like writing as if Luke needs to have a child is just weird (it's stated and shown on multiple occasion he in fact really doesn't like kids), when he's been a relative hermit up to age what 35/40 means that maybe he'd be ok without kids and the fact that Luke is loved like a father by Jess and by Rory but no Luke needs biological children because? why?

And then Jess (who was always ready to leave and never shows his cards when it comes to love) could show up and tell him that he should go be with Lorelai wherever , that he’ll make sure Liz and TJ don’t join any vegetable cults. Because Luke now has someone else in his family that he can rely on and he doesn’t have to plan funerals and interventions for his crazy family members on his own and also the this plot line would fall in nicely with the GG theme song but that’s not that big of a deal.

#gilmore girls #rory gilmore #lorelai gilmore #lorelei gilmore #GG #luke danes #jess mariano

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georgiaswarr · 4 years ago

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georgia warr

never been in love - gatlin

a song about wanting to be in love but not being able to be in love, which is very fitting for georgia’s initial situation. i’ve put this at the beginning of this playlist because - spoiler alert - the last song on here is also called never been in love and i think these two songs symbolise georgia’s journey in a very mint way. also, the first line of this song is “that boy from georgia was so sweet” which i think is pretty funny

somebody to love - queen

the title says it all. georgia wants to find somebody to love. i mean, she’s already found them, but we’ll get to that later.

paradise - coldplay

georgia is a big dreamer and yearner and i think this song really encapsulates that on so many levels. i mean “when she was just a girl / she expected the world / but it flew away from her reach / so she ran away in her sleep” that’s georgia !

tous les garçons et les filles - françoise hardy

french song because i’m ~quirky~ but this song is basically about seeing everyone else be in relationships and feeling lonely/wanting one for yourself

waiting for love - avicii

georgia is a hopeless romantic, but she’s still waiting for her own grand romance (she still hasn’t realised that the “love” she’s “waiting for” has already “come around”)

dear no one - tori kelly

georgia “i want someone to be in love with but there is no one” warr, at least at the beginning of the book

chaos - miki fiki

this song can be interpreted with various themes of the book in mind such as yearning for something you don’t have, feeling lonely, emotional turmoil, etc, it’s a banger

i walk a little faster - fiona apple

highjacked from @kindaorangey’s loveless playlist (they’ve done a great rundown here). this song has similar themes to dear no one, anticipating that romance will come to you, but it hasn’t, despite how hard you chase it, how fast you walk

when - dodie

shoutout to @drarrystar for recommending this song to me because so many of the lines reflect georgia to the core. just look up the lyrics and you’ll agree

deeper - ella eyre

“cause i’m scared, i can’t lie / i don’t feel the same inside / i can’t decide if i have the heart to confess” georgia thinks she can learn to love jason romantically if she just digs a little deeper

loneliness for love - lovelytheband

“anything at all not to feel alone / anything at all just to feel whole / ‘cause i keep mistaking loneliness for love”

a little more - alessia cara

“there you are with your college friends / you played in a marching band / i can't help but wish i knew you then / but i guess i know you now // it looks as if i've stumbled right into the palm of your hand // hey, you / hey, mr. knock on my door / i'm sorry that I've been emotions galore / am i crazy for wanting a little bit more? / a little more of you” georgia about sunil. she needs their guidance and wishes he’d been there for her earlier.

stuck in california - rightfield

a song about feeling alone and alienated by everyone and everything around you, and waiting for your “stars to align”, which fits georgia if you ask me

seven - taylor swift

georgiapip song !!!!!! it’s also about how alienating it can be to grow up and lose your childhood innocence, and i have a lot of thoughts about a very specific brand of growing pains that come with being aspec, but that’s a topic for another day

te amo - rihanna

this is a song about having someone be romantically in love with you and the heartbreak that comes from not being able to reciprocate those feelings --> georgia about jason

love love love - of monsters and men

same as te amo. it hits especially hard when you do love the other person so fucking much

ceiling won’t break - finish ticket

this song gives me georgia’s emotional turmoil vibes, also the line “i see no lights ‘cause the lights weren’t aimed at me” can be interpreted in a “cupid’s arrows didn’t hit georgia” way if you get what i mean

lack of emotion - skott

once again we are dealing with themes of not being able to feel the emotions that you “““““should”““““ feel for someone

let me go - hailee steinfeld

another song about georgia and jason’s (romantic) relationship and how it was doomed to fail from the beginning so she hopes he can let her go

i’m so tired - lauv, troye sivan

i’m just thinking about that line in loveless where georgia resentfully realises how many songs are about romantic love. she’s just so tired

crush culture - conan gray

and another song about being resentful of our romance-obsessed society, which georgia certainly is plenty of times throughout the book

home - ella eyre

christmas break time babey !!!! georgia has reached her low point and she’s going home

i love my car - belle & sebastain

“I pressed a cold hand against my car, which was as far up the drive of our house as it could get. I’d missed my car.” - loveless by alice oseman, celebrating all kinds of love since 2020

i’ve never written a song about a boy - eva westphal

this was actually recommended to me by @michaelholdenn for this playlist ! a song about the liberation that comes with not having to force attraction anymore

this is home - cavetown

i think months ago some ask told alice that this is a loveless song and i agree

why can’t we be friends - jordy searcy

this is about georgia’s strained relationship with pip and jason after the bailey ball and how she wishes they could just be friends again, the way they were all throughout their childhood

chiquitita - abba

okay fuckers THIS is literally the LOVELIEST song about friendship and wanting to be there for your loved ones and i’m sure georgia relates

open up - matt simons

“you’re hard to talk to with that wall around you” vs. “rooney had a solid brick wall round some part of her that nobody was allowed to know.” basically, georgia wants rooney to open up to her

just fucking let me love you - lowen

okay, yes, this song is very gay, but i think it can be applied to georgiarooney too ! the frustration this song expresses of wanting to shake someone and scream at them to just fucking let you love them is definitely shown in loveless when it comes to those two

less than i do - the band camino

georgia about pip. she hopes that pip will forgive her eventually. i mean look at the line “i still have your denim jacket” in the song - georgia still has pip’s jacket too, it’s perfect !!!

friends will be friends - queen

if loveless taught us anything it’s that friends sure fuckin will be friends

stick with me - olly murs

“we all get lonely / trying to find a place where we should be / trying to find someone to set us free / there are times a friend is all you need” you know when alice said that every character in the book feels “loveless” in some way at one point or another, but they all learn the value and importance of platonic love? yeah.

your song - moulin rouge

“and then, with three accompanists, i stood on a boat on the river wear and sang ‘your song’ - the version specifically from moulin rouge - to pip quintana, who didn’t yet know me as well as i wished she did, but despite that, was one of my favourite people i had ever met.”

wherever i live - alessia cara

you know the scene after georgia leaves pip and rooney to their first kiss? yeah, this song really reflects that mindset of half loneliness, half acceptance to me. listen to it.

take time - honest men

accepting your identity takes time ! even by the end of loveless there’s still days when georgia wishes she wasn’t aroace and the book presents this in an amazing and properly nuanced way !

die alone - finneas

"you asked me, ‘do you wanna die alone / or watch it all burn down together?’ / i said i’d rather try to hold on to you forever” this song is very much georgiarooney - finding each other in their darkest of days and watching everything they thought they knew (amatonormativity) burn down. together.

no lover - jetty bones

the next few songs are basically just one aro anthem after the next. this is another recommendation from @michaelholdenn - “maybe i don’t need a lover, i just need the friend”

solo - carly rae jepsen

highjacked from @kindaorangey’s loveless playlist. amazing anthem about how it’s okay to be single and how romantic love isn’t as fulfilling as society makes it out to be anyway

trust my lonely - alessia cara

i think in georgia’s case this song can be interpreted as her learning to finally let go of her pre-conceived notions of what love is and what she should want, her learning to “trust her lonely”, though lonely here just means romance-less

love is a town - josh gilligan

“if [romantic] love is a town then i’m passing through" yeah, romance is not for georgia and she’s starting to accept that.

new romantics - taylor swift

the loveless gang is the new romantics !!! they’re redefining love and romance !!!

team - lorde

“and everyone's competing for a love they won't receive / 'cause what this palace wants is release” anyway, let’s go found family song

wild things - alessia cara

now, i don’t know if alessia cara is queer but I DARE YOU to look at the lyrics of wild things and not tell me that this is the ULTIMATE queer anthem about found family and saying fuck you to respectability politics. i DARE you. anyway, loveless is also about found family and saying fuck you to respectability politics so it’s very fitting

never been in love - will jay

full circle babey !!!!! this is THE aro anthem so obviously i had to add it and comparing the “never been in love / and it’s all good” to the “never been in love / and i fucking hate that i couldn’t make it past a crush” message from the first song we can really reflect georgia’s journey of self-acceptance in loveless which i love a lot

#oof my playlists are loooooong #anyway shoutout to thunder kindaorangey for coming up with the concept of a playlist masterpost ily dude #playlist #osemanverse playlist #long post

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olivieblake · 4 years ago

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I know we are concerned about trump rolling back many rights such as Roe v Wade and gay marriage etc, and if there was ever a time it would be done it would be now with the court the way it is but I wonder sometimes if those two issues are kinda like carrots dangling in front of a horse. A major issue we have is the left has nothing to unite them there are so many ideas about what needs to be done and it's impossible to have everyone be represented by one person. (1) 

the right seems to push most everything to the side for the issues of abortion and gay marriage, and I guess guns and money. To me it feels like there would be benefits to stringing them along in order to get their votes year after year. Fighting to keep a law doesn’t give the same fire as fighting to change something as seen by how many on the left are willing to not vote cause Biden is exactly like trump despite the very real threat of the loss of these rights. I don’t mean like there is no reason to worry/vote cause it won’t happen, I think the threat the most serious its ever been but I wondered your thoughts on how much these issues are used to keep the GOP votes rolling in or if you think they’d struggle once those issues were gone or am I totally wrong, ha. It’s frustrating as a christian (or was idk anymore its turned so ugly) to watch others give up their morals for something they might not get just cause they are so simple to manipulate imo

I won’t lie to you, anon, this was... hard to make sense of, so let me open by restating what I think you’re trying to say? it seems like maybe you’re arguing that abortion and gay marriage are hot button issues that generate a controversial polarity where everyone is driven to vote based on their position on those issues, so if those issues were no longer on the table there would be nothing to keep people actively participating. it also seems like maybe you resent this because you’d like to vote your morals, but based on these controversial social issues you’re being forced to take a political position you don’t align with fully.

here’s what I think you’re right about: the american two-party system forces a polarity that favors centrism, or has up to this point. yes, the left is a collection of extremely variant positions that are forced further and further center-right as a party as a result of the right becoming increasingly fundamentalist. this is arguably the greatest flaw in american policy construction: the founders did not believe that anyone after george washington would ever garner 51% of the popular vote, meaning that there would always be a tie and then the senate, representing the states, would choose the next president. basically, they set up a system much more like the british bicameral legislature than what we have now, where the states would select the next president from among themselves. but because the federalists and democratic republicans mobilized the way they did, we have the system we have now, where every issue is essentially black and white; either yes or no.

dichotomies are inherently problematic, and while I do not agree that the left lacks unity in their policies, you’re correct that a “true” left does not exist in the united states; aka bernie and even warren should not be democrats if biden is also a democrat. that’s fair, or would be, if we did not have only two ideologies to choose from.

I do think there are some flaws with your premise (? as I interpret it) that these specific social issues are “hot” and/or controversial enough to drive people to the polls vs. being the actual, true defining issues for each party. I disagree. the politics of abortion are not about the value of human life, but the autonomy of women. the politics of marriage are not about whether homosexuality is morally reprehensible, but about whether the state should allow faith-based policy to control how two consenting individuals choose to live. in my mind, these positions are consistent with the concept that government should interfere against systemic prejudices, especially where it’s necessary to maintain our foundational separation of church and state.

the fact is also that the right is a mess. a true conservative party in this country would oppose ALL government regulation; they should be anti-gun regulation AND pro-choice, and essentially pro-everything that isn’t government interference. the fact that the republican party doesn’t fall within these theoretical lines is a flaw as a result of who holds power in that party: white christian men. in order to maintain their social power, they bend their political agenda wherever necessary to ensure that women and minorities do not gain autonomy where they have always maintained control. this is what unites the right, which means that the “left,” which is really more center AND everything left of center, supports politics that do dignify minorities.

would this be the case if we had multiple political parties? probably not, so your frustration is shared by many. you’ve probably heard this many times, but essentially the argument for biden, even by those who know he will not provide them the policies their consciences dictate, is that he has already shown he—and the party—can be pushed further left. he did not sign on with concepts of the green new deal until bernie and liz warren’s campaigns dictated that politically he needed to, at which point AOC signed on to help him build his own. so is he perfect? no. but if biden wins, there is room to keep fighting for what we want from democratic policy; he is responsive to public pressure. if 45 wins, we lose, end of story. fascism cannot be pushed.

morals are difficult to argue when it comes to politics. for example, the very popular but nonsensical “socially liberal but fiscally conservative” dichotomy is an untenable paradox that a person can only hold as a beneficiary of the existing system. when only one group of people has maintained generational/inherited wealth that allows them to benefit from a lack of social programs and government intervention, of course there is no such thing as having only one foot in the water. the overlap between the christian agenda and white supremacy is also difficult to separate, because while theologically christianity should promote certain values, christianity as an institution was born from imperialism, forced conversion, and a doctrine of constant proselytization. I say this as a catholic; I don’t dislike religious beliefs. but the way religion motivates political decisions is fundamentally flawed.

if your argument (or the argument of those around you) is that the problem with this election is that the left is a collection of ideologies lumped together in order to oppose some very narrow policy decisions, yes, you’re right. but if we pushed even remotely left from where we are now, we might be closer to the center, and then we can continue to push left. I would argue not that this is a time to abandon your principles just to win the presidency, but to at least be unselfish enough to realize that institutional change must be affected incrementally; to recognize that even if your life is not severely affected by 45 and the republican party winning over biden and the centrist-dems, far-right or alt-right policies do undoubtedly cause damage to countless others. you may not get everything you want from biden, but the opportunity to continue to achieve policy decisions you support is there.

try not to allow others around you to create a false dichotomy where this is somehow a choice between two evils; it isn’t. it’s a choice between a closed door and an open one, and even a baby step is a step.

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nameless-sovereign · 4 years ago

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clowns in the gutter

i did this while the songs were on shuffle which wasn’t my best idea so the quality of a big all over the place, but... i tried and that important 😅 but i’ve been told i listen to music poorly and have a bad method of playlist making which is ‘this singular line’ or ‘i’m not sure what is said but The Vibe™’ so i felt i should add the reasoning behind the songs

this is my playlist for @rachie-neyiea ravenous on ao3 [ https://archiveofourown.org/series/1714627 ]

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0mbuQyTM0ILmUmrfjRwFvn?si=tr4S8pa2RQGgHGHBNfkNhA

horror of our love - i’m not going to go into this one since i kinda already talked to you about it

campus - “it must be lonely knowing what you knowing” - because the twins may not know a lot about themselves, but a part of simply existing is being in shock of how it changes and how time is always moving, and with how time works for them i imagine the disconnect between society and themselves is so astounding that it gives them an unique perspective of humankind, yes they’ve been cut off, but they do need to integrate, to some extent, to pick their victims, so i decided at least

oleander - “if you leave me, rest assured it will kill me” [ also the fact that oleanders are these beautiful plants that are also pretty deadly i think fits, because thy can make themselves appear unsuspecting [ if they want to appear and they’re pretty, if they’re presenting that way ] - i feel like this is very much the twins towards bruce because he had become such a big part of themselves, they literally gave him a part of them now, and while he may not have liked it i think it was a big show of dedication. a way of saying they don’t mind hurting for him they’ll even go as far as to do it themselves.

hollow - “i’m ill with all that i know, cause it show what little i know” - this bruce because he is a very curious person by nature, he naturally seeks to find answer for him problems, and these problems don’t have answers, but he knows so much at the same time that it probably drives him mad being able to taste the knowledge yeah not devour it

volatile times - “look at me, what have i become i am lost i was once a gentleman” - i think this is bruce reflecting on the twins, and their effect on his life, how he had the potential to be a normal kid with the silver spoon, how he had a taste of that once upon a time but he became batman, and while he knows it wasn’t only because of the twins, he is pretty sure if they didn’t exist, if he wasn’t made to balance them out, then he wouldn’t be batman. he wouldn’t be some rich boy playing dress up and punching people in the middle of the night, he would host party, and laughing as he sipped champagne

under my skin - there’s no lyric in here that screams it’s just the general idea, kinda like unwanted animal, but it’s like “i can fit two people under my skin” and that just reminds me of this line [ i’m not sure if it was in one of your stories or if i read it somewhere else and it reminded me of it, so i apologize ] it was saying how one of the twins want to break open bruce’s ribcage to and be absorbed into him and taunt him from the inside and how they’ll never be parted then, and i just vibe with the twins being like that and i don’t know who is even speaking because i think there’s a merge ce of all of them mirroring one another, well bruce mirroring the twins and vise versa because the twins are still quite guarded but they are opening up quite a bit as the story progresses.

like lovers do - “Getting you off is my new favourite hobby, lipstick on your neck brands like a tattoo” and “I see you watching me, eyes on your target” this song reminds me a lot of when the twins found party boy bruce, [ the next two are also going to be written shittily ]

animal impulses - this one is just the overall vibe of the song v. andy particular lyrics, the song being about repressing and being controlled by your instincts basically and i think that vibes with this

baby you're a haunted house - “i’ll be the only one who likes the things you do, i’ll be the ghost inside your head when we are through” this reminds me a lot of the twins to each other, because they are alone, but their alone together and even if that doesn’t always feel like enough to be without the other would be unbearable and the next lines are “Sometimes you scare me, but I come around to you, I'll say hello hello hello hello, And I'll find a way to scare you too” which i believe to represent bruce to them because he’s had such unique reactions to them, and by he way he treats them is so… gentle and i don’t believe them to have ever been exposed to that previously and so Bruce hold a price of their heart in such a terrifying way.

unwanted animal - there’s so much in this song that i can’t pinpoint any exact lyrics that i associate with anything in particular [ the one that hooked me was “you touch my skin peels off like paint” but there a wild desperateness to the singing that i like fits them well. the comparison to animals i like for the twins, because they are savage and ruled mainly by their id they want something they take it, and i’m not looking at the lyrics right now, and i’m so bad at actually /listening/ to songs, but the whole song it feel like the singers are both fighting and working together and it’s just this dynamic that i think fits my interpretation of your series i guess heheh

this is love - there’s a lot of small lines that i think reflect the story well, “you done nothing to get out of the pattern of pain washed away by the rain” [ this reminds me of the underground tunnels being at risk of flooding and Bruce being like welp, gotta try ] “but i just love to pick a fight” [ the twins finding fighting as a valid means of flirting ] “once you chase me down the hole” [ the twins as bruce comes following after the twins ]

foreigners god - “she feels no safety in my arms” stanza vv bruce being on edge around the twins this is the twins because i think they all know none of them could truly intentionally maim one another, they’ll play at fighting, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t ready to fight for each other. each knows logically that they are safe, that past experience dictates that trust in personal safety has been earned, yet it's impossible to relax around one another yet, after so long of being on edge it seems impossible to fully step away.

bitter and sick - “break me down i’ll let you ruin my day flow through my veins” “i need a fix bitter and sick, sicker than love” - the first one is the twins to bruce and the second is bruce to the twins. in the first the twins are basically saying that they’ve lived one way for some long, existed alone together and never changing their ways, but now that bruce is here they are willing to adapt to make him fit into their lives. they’ve killed less because they’re not as hungry, they could still eat and the desire to hunt is still there, but with the knowledge that bruce doesn’t actually like it they can step back, allow him to save a few lives they learned gentleness for him. the second one is bruce’s addiction towards them. how his mind is never far from them, even when they sleep because he hates that he feel this way, he knows its wrong and it floods him with guilt, but he also can’t leave them, because he knows them now, had tasted their flesh on his tongue and while that would’ve not been his preferred union it was a union nonetheless, one he can’t ignore or suppress anymore

an unhealthy obsession - this is so self explanatory and in the words of john mulaney, “and i am lazy by nature”

#gotham #jerome valeska #bruce wayne #jeremiah valeska #music #Spotify #i meant to post this on my gotham account but it’s fine 😅

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pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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We got up the low ropes and worked together to get that set out. She worked on the ladder and I untangled the ropes.

While we were finishing that up Sarah and Dachelle pulled up in the gator to get ground elements stuff to take over to the tipi feild. And then we headed over there to help untangle all of that.

It was kind of a slow wait. The bus was late. But it was fine. Once it did come I met it outside and helped direct traffic a bit until Elizabeth came over and we figured out what was up.

We were very efficient.

When we got back we ran into Nick in the hall. He just bought a house on 4 acres and is slowly moving and I'm so happy for him. It was also just really nice to see him.

We walked to the lightrail station. Someone yelled out the window to ask if James was Justin Tucker, a sports person, and we got round trip tickets so we could get back easy later.

Goodnight everyone!!

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ravens-words · 5 years ago

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we burned down our paper house

"Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic."

Scenes from a lost decade.

Chapter 3 of 4

On AO3

............................

Early 2010

Michael sighed and leaned back on the chair, shoulders slumped and mouth pressed in a hard line. He stared at the e-mail he'd just gotten from Alex and did his best not to scream in frustration.

Leave wasn't approved. Sorry.

Short and to the point, just like the last dozen or so e-mails had been in the past few months.

Alex's tone had become almost impatient with him, his e-mails shorter and shorter. It'd gotten to the point where getting three long sentences out of Alex were cause for celebration. To Michael, it seemed like he was pulling away from him, little by little, and it hurt. It hurt, because he didn't know what he'd done wrong and so he had no idea how to fix it.

Did I do something wrong? He deleted the question the minute he wrote it out and held his head in his hands. They didn't talk about their relationship on here- or anywhere, he added bitterly in his head.

He stared at the blank page in front of him and after a minute of silent staring at the screen, he sighed, resigned. His fingers hovered over the keyboard and he thought of all the things he wanted to tell him. That he missed how they used to talk, missed his dry, yet hilarious sense of humor. Michael missed him, most of all and he wondered if he should hold onto the hope that he could ever get to have him.

Late 2011

Michael overheard Maria talking on the phone and nearly spilled his beer when he heard her mention Alex. He listened closely and his excitement hit the roof when she mentioned that he'd finished his first tour.

Maybe this meant he would get out of the air force altogether. Maybe he would finally get back because he had to have gotten a good amount of days for a leave. That night, he barely managed to sleep, too many thoughts warring with each other in his head.

The next day, he waited for an email, a visit, anything. But nothing came.

A week passed, and he didn't hear anything from Alex.

Hey, Alex, I just heard your tour is over? Why didn't you tell me? And when are you coming home?

The next day, he was the first person at the library. Mrs. Jamison gave him a weird look but didn't comment as he followed her in and waited patiently until she gave him the all clear to use the computer.

He hurriedly logged into his e-mail and sighed in relief when he found a message in his inbox.

"I'm not coming back, Guerin. I'm sorry."

Michael had been expecting this for months now. He'd known it was coming, had felt in his bones even, but that didn't make it hurt any less than a stab in the heart. He felt the sting of tears and sniffled pathetically.

He didn't know how he managed it when his mind was in such a numb haze, but he logged out and turned the computer off, then left the library and drove home.

I'm not coming back.

What little hope for them he'd managed to hold onto for the past couple of years vanished and he tried desperately to convince himself that it was for the best.

He was, predictably, unsuccessful.

Mid 2012

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Michael?"

Michael snorted and then giggled, pitching forward in Max's arms. Max caught him just before he fell face-first on the ground and grunted as he pulled him up.

"Seriously, why?"

Michael blinked drowsily at him. "What?"

Max huffed. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

"I didn't do anything to myself. Thing 1 and Thing 2 did."

Max was unimpressed. "You punched the guy. Unprovoked."

Michael shrugged, or, he would've, if Max's hand wasn't like an anchor around his shoulders. He resisted the urge to lean into his brother and just made a vauge noise that he let Max interpret.

Max lowered him on the bench in the drunk tank and to Michael's surprise, he didn't leave. He crouched down in front of him and sighed. "What is it about today, huh?"

Michael shut his eyes tightly. "Nothing."

"Michael, I know things between us aren't the best right now, but you can talk to me, okay?"

He stayed silent, bit his tongue to stop the words clawing at his throat from escaping. He heard Max sigh and waited until he heard the cell door close quietly. Then,

"I miss him."

Late 2013

"I think Noah wants to have a baby."

Michael blinked at Isobel. "I think it's too early for this."

She huffed and all but forced her way through the door. She delicately lifted the edge of his crumbled blanket and slid it to the side. "What do I do?"

He shook his head and lifted his head up to look at the ceiling. "Maybe tell him you're not ready?"

"And what if I am?"

Her whispered confession hit him in the chest like a truck and he struggled with keeping his own feelings about this subject buried and to just focus on himself.

"What's stopping you, then?"

She scoffed. "Maybe that I'm an alien? That I know nothing about my own body? That I could be bringing a child with powers freakier than ours into this world? It's too- it would be too risky, and I- I can't tell him about any of this, so I'm stuck."

He sat beside her and put an arm around her shoulders, drawing her into his arms. "I'm really sorry, Iz."

"Yeah," she sniffled. "Yeah, me too." She wiped her eyes and seemed to pull herself together in the snap of a finger, and Michael marveled at her strength. "Tell me about your date with Janet."

Michael pulled a face. "We were talking about you."

She gave him an unimpressed look. "And now we're talking about you. Keep up."

He rolled his eyes, but gave in. "It was fine."

She glared. He sighed.

"This is the third date I've set you up on, Michael," she reminded him. "You really didn't like any of them?"

He shrugged. "I guess they just weren't-" Alex, his mind supplied, "-my type."

Isobel raised an eyebrow and scoffed. "Your type is anything that breathes. If you're going to lie to me, do better than that."

"Fine. I'm just not feeling it."

She searched his face, and to Michael's surprise, her face softened. "There's something you're not telling me."

Michael said nothing.

"You're hurting."

I'm always hurting.

Isobel rested her head on his shoulder. "It's gonna get better, Michael."

I really fucking hope so.

Mid 2014

Michael stared at Max's TV in silent terror, the words 'bombing' and 'air force base' and '12 servicemen killed and 56 injured' leaving him paralyzed with fear.

"Shit," Max cursed, eyes on the screen, then on Michael. There was a weird look on his face as he watched him, but Michael honestly couldn't muster the energy to try to find out what it meant.

So he sat on Max's couch, he stared at the now black screen of the TV and tried not to imagine Alex in a body bag, or in a hospital bed, or bleeding out in a desert miles and miles away.

That night, for the first time in four, almost five, years, he called him. The phone rang and rang and rang, but there was no answer.

That night, Michael slept with the phone pressed to his heart, hoping it would ring.

It never did.

Late 2015

Michael was three drinks in and spoiling for a fight when he walked in.

He forgot to breathe, everyone in the room but him disappeared and Michael could only watch.

He watched as he kept his head down and avoided eye contact with anyone.

He watched him give a polite, and obviously fake, smile to anyone who ignored his very apparent discomfort and decided to engage him in a conversation.

He watched him walk, he watched him breathe and he wanted nothing more than to go to him, drag him away and check for himself that he was whole, that he was still his Alex.

Drink now forgotten, Michael's eyes never strayed away from Alex's form, in fear that he'd actually lost it and had imagined him here.

As if drawn to him by some unknown force, Alex's eyes found his and Michael stopped breathing yet again. His whole body stiffened and he waited for the frost in the airman's eyes to melt, waited for the sharp edges of him to soften. It took a minute, but it eventually happened.

Alex's eyes softened and his shoulders drooped a little bit. His head tilted to the side, and that was enough for Michael. He stood, rather abruptly, and slowly sauntered out of the bar, feeling his eyes follow him all the way to the door.

He hurried to his truck, hands shaking and heart beating a mile a minute. When he got in, he put the key in the ignition and then settled both his hands on the steering wheel, squeezing it tightly.

When the bar door banged open and Alex stepped out, Michael could finally breathe.

Alex got into a black SUV, started driving, and Michael followed without question, unable to think of anything than this:

Alex is alive. Alex is here and he's breathing and, against all odds, he still wants me after five years.

It took him more than it should've to recognize where Alex was driving, and when his airstream came into view, Michael smiled to himself.

He waited for Alex to get out of his car before he did the same and then they just stood and stared at each other with only a few feet of space separating them.

Years lay heavy between them, yet despite that, Michael still felt lighter than he had in years.

He didn't know who made the first move, but only a few seconds later, Alex was in his arms and his lips were on his.

Michael wanted to suspend time. He wanted to stay in this moment, right here, for all of eternity.

Alex pulled away and Michael tightened his hold on him, too afraid that he might have changed his mind. Alex's hands found his shoulders and Michael's found his waist. He wanted to pull him closer, to hug him, but he didn't know if that was allowed anymore.

He wanted to ask him why he cut off all communications five years ago, wanted to tell him how much it hurt to lose touch with him so suddenly. He wanted to ask what he'd done wrong, what he could have done to fix things. Most of all, he wanted to tell him that he'd missed him with a ferocity that had scared him, but never surprised him.

Alex pulled him in before he could utter a word, though, and Michael forgot about all the things he wanted to say, forgot his own name, and got lost in Alex's touch.

Michael grabbed a hold of his hand and pulled him inside, and Alex went with it, laughing softly at his obvious eagerness. The first kiss was fast and hard and was nothing more than an eager clash of teeth. Alex winced and Michael's fingers came up to stroke his cheeks and he brushed his lips brushed against Alex's in apology.

Alex wrapped his arms around Michael's shoulder and pulled him closer. Michael went willingly.

Their second kiss was slower, more gentle and Alex's lips were soft against his, pliant. Michael's hands drifted up from the airman's shoulders to his neck and after they pulled away for breath, he pulled him in again. This kiss was deeper, open-mouthed and filthy and he must have made his intentions clear with it because Alex, with a tight grip on his waist, led him onto the narrow bed.

They stumbled and laughed along the way, and suddenly, it felt as if no time had passed. He was settled, in a way he hadn't been for years.

And it was because he was finally in Alex's arms again.

Michael all but threw him onto the bed, then crawled in beside him. They lay there, trading lazy kisses, for what felt like hours.

Michael wished he could stay in this moment forever.

When Michael's hands drifted under Alex's shirt, and the kisses went back to being heated, Alex eagerly sat up and yanked his shirt off. And Michael just watched him; the ripple of toned muscles, the nimble, elegant fingers. When Alex caught him looking, he softened further and pulled him in close. Their foreheads touched and Michael saw Alex close his eyes. Try as he might, he couldn't close his, not when he still wasn't sure whether or not this was a dream. Ever so slowly, Alex leaned forward and tucked his face into Michael's neck. Michael closed his eyes. He expected Alex to place a kiss there, a bite, but instead, he just seemed to linger there, taking deep, controlled breaths. Michael let him, and pushed his face into Alex's hair. He breathed in and almost didn't want to exhale, just to keep the scent of him in his lungs for as long as possible.

Michael pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, his fingers combing Alex's hair. "Hey," he muttered softly.

Alex chuckled. "Hi."

"I missed you so much," he whispered.

Alex kept his head buried in Michael's neck but raised his hands to hug him tight. "Me too."

Michael danced his left hand from his neck to his shoulders and then down his chest. When he worked open the first button of Alex's jeans, Alex pulled away, but not before he pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

"I'm glad you came back," Michael rasped.

Alex answered him with a bruising kiss that left them both gasping for breath.

When Michael woke up, he was alone in his bed. A jolt of fear ran down his spine and he sat up in bed, looking around wildly. When he realized that what had woken him up was the click of the airstream door, he scrambled up, clumsily putting on his sweats as he all but ran out.

He caught up to Alex just before he reached his car. "What the hell, Alex?!"

Alex froze with his back to him, and Michael gripped his shoulder and forced him to turn around.

"Let go, Guerin."

"Not until you tell me why you're leaving."

"Fucking let go, now." His voice was dangerously low, and Michael resisted the urge to follow his command.

"So last night meant nothing, huh? Just a quick fuck, then?"

Alex shook his head, wrist still firmly in Michael's hand. Michael had no doubt that he could have easily broken free of his hold, but was choosing not to. "Last night shouldn't have happened. It was-"

"Don't." Michael let go of him and stepped back. "Don't you dare say it was a mistake."

Alex's eyes darted all over his face, as if he was drinking him in but then the shutters came down and his eyes were nearly vacant of all emotions. He seemed to steel himself before he spoke. "Goodbye, Michael."

"You're really gonna leave me again?" He sounded broken when he'd meant to sound angry, bitter, or even accusing.

He recieved nothing but silence as Alex tried to tug his door open with obviously shaking hands.

"Six years, Alex. I've spent six years missing you; wondering what I did wrong to make you decide I wasn't worth your time anymore. And I won't ask you about it. If you want to forget it, that's fine, but the least you could do is to at least fucking try."

"Try?"

"Yeah!" He exclaimed. "Give us a chance-"

"There is no us!" Alex exploded. "As long as you're here and I'm not, there can never be an us, Guerin."

"Then be here," Michael pleaded, desperation clawing at his throat. This was truly it. Alex was going to get in the car and drive away and Michael would probably not see him for another five years, if not more. "Would you please just stay?"

"I can't," he murmured, and the words were final. But- he wasn't leaving. He didn't get in his car and drive away; it gave Michael hope that maybe there was still a chance he could convince him to stay.

"Why not?"

"Because I reenlisted? Because I can't see myself coming back to this hellhole permanently and I don't think you'll leave, not even for me? Because this-" he grabbed a hold of Michael's left hand and lifted it up at eye level, "-will always be there as a reminder of what being with me has done to your life."

"Being with you is the only thing I want, Alex. Being with you has always made me happy." Your leaving was what destroyed me every time, he added silently.

"I ruined your life."

"My life was already ruined before you came along, darlin' ; you don't get to take credit for that."

Alex let out a sharp breath. "If you hadn't kissed me that day, if we hadn't gotten back to the shed, if my dad hadn't found us-"

Michael was stunned, because he'd never once thought Alex might have blamed himself for everything that went wrong in his life since the day Rosa died when he'd been the one bright thing in his life at that time. "I'd still be here, just without the ruined hand."

Alex looked skeptical. "You really believe that?"

"I know it, Alex."

He sniffled and nodded, jaw clenched tight. When he looked away, Michael didn't. He could practically see the wheels turning in his head and he waited him out. "It's not gonna be easy."

Michael's heart stopped for a good three seconds. "Wha-what?"

"It's not gonna be easy, being together. I leave again in a few days. We'll be seeing each other twice a year, maybe four times if we're lucky, for the next three years. Phone calls will be rare and-" Alex looked him right in the eye and Michael saw him swallow thickly. "No one in this town can know about us-"

Michael didn't let him finish. He dragged him in by the collar and fused their mouths together, kisses eager and deep.

"You're staying?"

Alex let out a shuddering breath. "I- I think so."

He sounded terrified.

Michael pulled away but kept his hands on either side of Alex's neck.

"It's gonna be okay, Alex."

Alex nodded hesitantly. "We're gonna be okay," he whispered, as if trying to convince himself. He all but fell into Michael's arms, and when his forehead settled on Michael's, he heard him make a sound that was almost a whimper. Alex clutched the back of his shirt in two tight grips that only seemed to tighten when Michael moved to pull away.

So he didn't.

He wrapped his arms around him and hid his smile in the airman's shoulder.

"We're gonna be great."

#alex manes #michael guerin #malex #malex fic #EJ Writes

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werevulvi · 4 years ago

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Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

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absolxguardian · 4 years ago

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What the hell happened to Cobb Vanth and Freetown: An analysis

Most Mandalorian fans don’t know that this isn’t Cobb Vanth’s first appearance. He first appeared in the interludes of the Aftermath trilogy by Chuck Wendig. The trilogy took place 6 months to a year after the events of ROTJ, so four years before the events of the show.

But there’s a problem. There’s a level of incongruity between Cobb Vanth, the marshal of Mos Pelgo and Cobb Vanth, the sheriff of Freetown. It’s almost as if, rather than sharing a universe, the Vanth we meet in the show is inspired by the books.

But the story group hasn’t given The Mandalorian free reign to trample over the new canon. Just like with the state of the Mandalorians in general, this change is best explained with the assumption that things went down hill since we last saw Vanth in Empire’s End. Plus some unreliable narration.

Under the cut I explain three areas of weirdness. First, what we see in the flashback vs what we know of Vanth’s backstory. Second, how has Mos Pelgo gone so far downhill. Third, why he is suddenly so aggressive against the Tuskens he once made his own peace. I’ll explain what’s in the interludes as we go, so you don’t have to have read the trilogy.

I. The Flashback

First, some backstory for Vanth that wasn’t in the episode. He’s a former Hutt slave, with a slave brand on the back of his neck. That’s probably why he wears that scarf. Presumably, his freedom was related to Leia killing Jabba the Hutt- something that had a much larger effect on the stability of Tatioone and the Outer Rim than Endor really did. Which means that when Vanth is in the Mos Pelgo cantina, he’s a newcomer- free for a time between a few days and a week.

When the mining collective shows up, while the subtitles call it Mining Collective, proper noun- it seems more reasonable to believe that Vanth meant it as a common noun (the subtitles have other inaccuracies, like calling Basic English). What he’s talking about is the half criminal organization-half mining company known as the Red Key Company. It just seems kind of ridiculous that he fights and drives off two separate mining companies, even with their thugs wearing blue masks.

As for when he gets Boba Fett’s armor from the Jawas- what we see is a simplification- reflecting how Vanth simplified the story to “I fled Mos Pelgo, was found by a sandcrawler, and paid for this armor using silicax crystals”.

We can probably assume that the rescued by a sandcrawler and paying with silicax crystals stuff is the same, just that there are more steps involved. Specifically- the plot of the first interlude.

In this, Adwin Charu, a representative of the Red Key Company is trying to buy useful things off some Jawas. Vanth encounters him outside of the sandcrawler, but we can assume that he slipped out of the sandcrawler and then looped back around so Adwin saw him as not with the Jawas. And he purchased a cool long coat:

“You’re not from around here, are you?” the man says, still grinning like he knows something. He steps in out of the bright desert sun, brushes some dust off his long jacket. “Not a local.”

He then targets Adwin, knowing that he’s a representative of the Red Key Company from what he said to the Jawas earlier. Vanth offers to vouch for Adwin, to bring his guard down. Now Cobb does say this:

The man steps forward, scratching at his stubbled face. He starts talking to the Jawas. They gabble at him in their rat-tongue and he says, “Uh-huh, no, I know, but I come bearing credits and so does he.” Cobb turns to Adwin and gives a wink. The Jawas whisper and babble. “Okay, then.

The best assumption to make here is that, intending to leave the sandcrawler soon, Vanth just converted his silicax crystals into credits. Jawas have to have a cash supply, that’s presumably what they accepted from Uncle Owen for R2 and C3PO.

In the narrative I’ve built, Vanth wasn’t sure about coming back to protect Mos Pelgo, which is why he didn’t trade for the armor right away. It wasn’t his home, he’d just came into town. So when he shoots Adwin and declares himself a lawman, he really is self appointed. It was a duty he took on in that moment.

So he returns to Mos Pelgo, and in the first skirmish against the Red Key raiders, does what we see in the show. But the war has only just begun.

II. Freetown

The second interlude is from the point of view of a depressed and purposeless Malakili (the Rancor tamer from ROTJ). He is saved from the Red Key Raiders by Cobb Vanth and a Twi’lek woman named Issa-Or. But Mos Pelgo isn’t Mos Pelgo anymore- it’s Freetown- a place for anyone willing to stand up to the syndicates and make a life as free beings.

Vanth recruits Malakili to “train” a baby Hutt the Raiders were trying to put on Jabba’s dais. Malakili points out that you don’t train Hutts, they’re sapient. You raise them. This shows two traits of Vanth that are on better display in the show- that he has trouble thinking outside of traditional power structures (like not having Tatioone ruled by a Hutt) and trouble interacting with sapient who exist outside of the standard humanoid interaction schema- be they be the oppressor Hutts or the oppressed Tuskens.

Eventually, they fight off the Red Key Raiders, but we know Freetown doesn’t last. And I think why is indicated in a few throwaway lines:

“Everybody’s someone, my friend. Thing about Freetown is, to live inside our walls means to be useful. Are you useful?”

-Aftermath: Life Debt

Then comes a sound—a terrible howl followed by a mad battle cry. Red Key raiders begin falling from the walls as blasts from outside take them out.

-Aftermath: Empire’s End

Freetown has walls. But Mos Pelgo, as we see it, doesn’t. Given that the walls of Mos Eisley provided Peli with a feeling of protection, I think we can assume that they have some underground component (like vibrating spikes) that protects walled villages from Krayt Dragon attacks. But those would interfere with mining, so there’s an unwalled suburb of Mos Pelgo. And that’s the only part that survived.

Survived? Well what happened to the great experiment of Freetown?

Lorgan tries to crab-walk backward, but Vanth presses down on his wrist hard enough to hear the bones start to grind. He cries out. “You don’t know what you’re doing, Vanth. You’re an idiot playing a game against gods. You stole that suit thinking you can fill it, you stole a Hutt thinking you can raise it to the dais—you’ll never succeed here. My masters will come. They’ll kill you. They’ll wipe this place off the map.”

Lorgan Movellan, the leader of the Red Key Raiders on Tatioone’s, last words are that his masters will come and destroy Freetown for their rebellion. And that’s what I assume happened. Or the Hutts got their stuff together when it came to Jabba’s succession and agreed that whoever it was, it wasn’t one raised by some humans. So the bandits Peli said destroyed Mos Pelgo were either Hutt or Red Key ships that wiped Freetown of the map- presumably also killing Malakili and Issa-Or, as they’re nowhere to be seen.

The small group of survivors living in the suburbs are defended by a demoralized Cobb Vanth. The name “Freetown” falls away, as does the term sheriff for some reason- becoming instead marshal.

III. The Tuskens

But what about the peace Vanth made with the local Tuskens, who helped him drive away the Red Key Raiders? How does a man go from allying with the Tuskens to saying “These monsters can’t be reasoned with” in four years. Well there are a few possibilities- all of which but the Tuskens in the right and make Vanth’s hatred of them a misunderstanding- all in line with the theme of the episode. And whatever it was, Din talked with the Tuskens and sorted everything out, so Vanth could once again trust them.

But what was the context of this treaty. The deal was, that in exchange for some water tributes, the Tuskens would allow Freetown to live on their sacred land. And then Malakili got his hands on a Krayt Dragon pearl (just like they get in the episode), which secured their protection of Freetown.

As for how all of this was communicated, my best guess for the translator was that it was Malakili. He strikes me as the kind of person who’d learn their sign language so he could learn all the Tuskens did about Banthas and Massiffs so he could perfect his craft.

But Malakili died in the attack that destroyed Freetown, so there is no way to parley with the Tuskens before Din comes to Mos Pelgo. So what are the possibilities of what could have caused this breakdown of the peace.

1. A time limit: This is the one I think is the least likely, because even if Malakili wasn’t a trained interpreter, I don’t think he’d miss something as important as this. And if the treaty just expired, Vanth wouldn’t have felt betrayed. But there might have been something related. For example, without Malakili they couldn’t adjust their water tribute to reflect their smaller population. Still, in this case, I still don’t think Vanth would feel so betrayed as to change his entire beliefs about Tuskens.

2. It’s just a different group: Tuskens organize themselves into clans. Their nomadic lifestlye could create a cycle where different clans end up living in different areas over a few years. This group had no treaty with Freetown. But Vanth saw all Tuskens as a monolith, so when the new group treated Mos Pelgo the way they’d always do, Vanth fought back- restarting the cycle of violence.

3. Someone in Mos Pelgo broke the treaty: In this scenario, a citizen of Mos Pelgo couldn’t handle the water tributes- perhaps because their smaller population made it a greater burden and it couldn’t be renegotiated- and so stole water from the Tuskens, destroying the treaty. But Vanth never found out about this, and blamed the Tuskens instead.

When the Aftermath trilogy finished, Freetown seemed like a new future for Tatioone- full of free people at peace with the Tuskens. But it seems like that’s not how things progressed. Still, with Din’s help, at least the revolutionary peace between Mos Pelgo and the Tuskens has been reestablished.

#the mandalorian #cobb vanth #the mandalorian season 2 #the mandalorian chapter 9 the marshal #sw #star wars #sw aftermath

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you-are-worth-the-wait · 4 years ago

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you know that i think about you a lot and i know things are tough and complicated there. i am constantly trying to make sense of things there even though i know i don’t have the full picture. all i have to go off of is what i know as far as what i’ve learned about you, the bits and pieces you let me see every now and then, what you tell me from time to time, and trying my best to read you and possibly everything i can based on nonverbals. which a lot of the times may seem far off since my “nonverbals” come from words on a screen and the occasional convos i have with you over the phone. if i’m mistaken or way off base, i do apologize. like i said, i’m trying to make sense of things based off of those things. but this is kind of what i’ve seen/am seeing, up to now.

i think about the dynamic between you two, your dynamic for yourself, and the dynamic between us. Truth...I think the dynamic between the two of you is...and please don’t hate me if I am wrong and feel free to tell me off that I’m wrong because it really is difficult to get a feel for things when I prolly only know about 15% of everything that is going on. Or I could know 85%. I mean, I don’t know what you hold back. I just know what you tell me. But what I gather, the dynamic isn’t “genuine”. when it came to what is going on now, in the beginning, it was shyt amd understandable. He was hurt and angry and took it out on you. You felt guilty and felt you deserved everything that was given to you. You folks see-sawed back and forth from good and bad times but it was still really bad and the mental and emotional state you were in didn’t make things easier. Even though you were trying so hard to “make it up to him”, you were trying to do the things to try and “salvage” things yet, majority of the time it still came down to you and me talking. You were telling me the things you couldn’t tell him. Even though you were doing it for the “sanctity”, it was me that you felt you could open up to in order to keep things together. You confided and communicated with me about the lack of communication with him. Even though yes, you and he were physically there, I was the one who you came to to help keep you together and to keep going. I know you beat yourself up but I also know he had a role in that too in making you feel less than yourself and making you question yourself. I know he tore you down and he crossed so many lines in getting you to the lowest of your lows but I also know he did play a part in helping you up too. i know you had some “okay” moments and strides but I sometimes wonder who helped you out more, me or him?

Now I wonder about the state/dynamic you two are in now after all this time. I know it’s not bad but I also know it’s not good. my interpretation is that it is 40% bad, 50% neutral, and 10% good. i could be off on that. but i feel like you would gladly take and accept the neutral in order to keep the peace. but that’s not how a relationship should be. i know that’s not what you want. you try to explain and “give him allowances” for his approach to things and how you justify his words and actions you but you know i don’t agree with the explanation and rationale at times. i know that there is way more going on between you two and i get guess my way around it with so many angles but it’s not fair to you and him to speak on something that i may know nothing or have no clue as to what i am talking about. for that reason, i try not to be as harsh and rash as i know i can be. when it comes to you, you know i’m going to fight and support you to lengths and at the costs of others. i.e. that one coworker at the jail that made you uncomfortable. i may seem “harmless” as that guy with lisp said that he wasn’t worried about me but trust me, if/when it comes to protecting you and making sure you are safe, i know the lengths i’m willing to go to make sure you are safe. i did check in on him once and awhile too to make sure that he remembered what i said. i guess it did kinda work against you/us when he didn’t necessarily want to take the chance of working with you or covering for you since he prolly wanted to make sure to keep his distance...*shrug* *ws*

As for you, I think you are “a lot” better than before. I can’t really say that the exact word is “good” but I know it’s a lot better from your lowest lows. I told you that I even felt some semblance of “your self” here and there but I can still tell things are “not good”. Here’s the thing. I’m happy and proud to see the strides you’ve made for yourself and I can tell you are trying to do the same for the relationship but I feel like it’s almost gotten to the same dynamic you had before but in a trickier and way worse situation. It almost feels like you two are exactly where you started again before i came into the picture. you already had a bad dynamic between you two to where you both were moving at your own paces, possibly in different directions, and just completely not on the same wavelength. i would venture to guess that you were ready and wanted to move forward but you either couldn’t or didn’t know how. fast forward past that phase, where i come into the picture, you and me happening, the ultimatum, you being at your lowest lows, you still reaching out and confiding in me even though you are not supposed to, going through therapy, to right now. you have come a long way and i feel that there are days where you are possibly “okay” and ready to move forward again but he’s “holding you back”, again, and it’s in worse situation. It’s like your “life together, the house, the misstep with the car purchase, his judgment, his priorities” that had you just being complacent with where you were back then, I feel you kind of are at the impasse again. I know you are not “all good” but there’s a part of me that feels like you are seeing things a little clearer now but he’s not on the same page again and you are back to that situation where you want to move forward but you can’t because of him, and I’m wondering if your lack of motivation or conviction to move forward is again tied to “waiting for him” again. I feel like you are ready to try to take those next couple steps for yourself and you are trying to do it together but since you aren’t on the same page again, you may be holding yourself back and I’m wondering if that may be preventing you from trying to move forward to be yourself again. Like, I know you weren’t happy back then and I know you aren’t happy now. I know you wanted to move forward back then too but you couldn’t so you kinda “settled”. Now, coming back from your lows when you felt like you were reduced to a hollow shell of a person and of your true self, I feel that even you know you’ve made a lot of big steps to even get to where you are now. It’s not exactly how I thought it would happen but I do like the fact that you have regained your sense of individuality and have been truthful to yourself in knowing that you do want more for yourself. I thought if we both continued on the path we had together, you would have realized it too on your own. time didn’t give you that chance. It sucks that you had to get beaten down the way you did and had to go through all the “bad” and therapy in order to find a “safe place” to where you could find a way for your own voice, mind, and heart to be heard. But it’s like you are finally allowing yourself to see a future, options, and opportunities that I always saw was there for you. I saw that when we first started getting to know each other and I meant it when I first said you could do so much. You were either too timid, scared, or humble to allow yourself to see it. I think it’s possible that all the rejections when you first were trying to get a job as a nurse possibly messed with your psyche a bit. Totally understandable. you are an amazing nurse and a valuable asset that any company, facility, or team would be lucky to have. but more so, you are an amazing person and as harsh as this may sound, without him, i feel you could be in an “okay” place in your life considering how he tore you down and continues to do so yet you are able to find your own voice and mind a little at a time.

Considering all that though, I think you are overcompensating again and it’s possible that your readiness to move forward and his unwillingness or inability to do so has you in that state where you want to be happy but the situation you are in isn’t allowing that, so you are kinda left in a state of “should I move forward? I want to...but I can’t. Should I feel bad that I am ready to move forward again but I can’t? I know I want more but will I get that here? I also know that what I want, I may/will not find it here. I’ve seen what’s out there and I want that. The question is, how do I move forward when I feel like I can’t?” I think that’s where you are at now. It’s a different mind set from before. I think before you wanted to move forward “together” but he prevented that in some way in where you two were just not even close to being on the same wavelength. so since you couldn’t move forward “together”, you accepted it, and made do the best way you could because you still wanted to be “together” somehow. Now, it’s the same thing but in a way worse dynamic and i don’t even know if you are on the same plane to say you arent on the same wavelength. it’s gotten to the point where you two aren’t even on the same axis/plane anymore. you still want to move forward “together” but your/the individual resolve of the drive is strong/stronger than before. You still have the same drive/desire, I believe in wanting to move forward “together” but now that you realize you aren’t moving forward, your individual self doesn’t want to accept that this time around. the resolve of the “singular/individual (you)” drive is moving forward and trying to figure out how to get what it wants and is almost as if it’s trying to drag/urge forward the “together (you and him)” drive but it’s just so toxic and discombobulated. Before I think you knew what was out there but because you were limited due to “not moving forward”, you may have taken the attitude of “it will happen when it happens”. As opposed to now, you still have the same drive, you still know what’s out there, but now you want to move forward and are realizing that you actually have the ability to do so. you bought a house on your own. you realize that you do have dreams, wants, a drive, and aspirations of more. so now you have a different attitude, despite the fact that he is still holding you back and even bringing you down, your attitude is now “I want to make it happen...how do I make it happen?” And that’s where your heart, mind, and decisions are at and are torn. You now have a better understanding of what’s out there and a better/clearer idea of what you want and don’t want for yourself as a whole, individually and with someone, that’s the given. That’s where I see you growing into now. I think the “where/how do you get it” is the unspoken thing that you need to maybe figure out. but the bigger question is “who do i want to get it with” is what you have to figure out and learning how to accept it for him, for others, but mainly for yourself. i think those are the biggest challenges/obstacles/questions you are dealing with and will need to confront and that is what is causing you the majority of the hardships that you are going through.

Or I could be completely wrong...*sigh* I mean, this is what I am coming up with based on words on a screen. Maybe I’m reading everything completely wrong. Maybe my “hopefulness” is clouding my judgment and the reality of things? That’s why I do wish we could just talk the way we used to. These one-way convos and convos in my head that I have with you doesnt even come close to speaking with you which makes knowing what you are really thinking/feeling difficult. Trust me Love, when I saw I want to know what’s going on or what’s on your mind, I am sincere in every way possible. And even if you told me, “I don’t know”, if that’s where you truly are at or all you are willing to share with me, that’s fine too.

tangent and side note...they took my LPN from my team to help out at the main hospital. so basically, now i’m functioning as the LPN and RN of the team. i just saw a glimpse of my workload for the rest of this year and it is not looking promising. it’s weird because i would have thought they would have had one of the veteran people take on this responsibility because now i’m having all the other RNs teaching me the LPN duties and i’m taking that RN away from what they are doing. i’m scared that if i keep asking and pulling them away from what they are doing they may be less inclined to help me down the line. it sucks because, yes, i prolly should know some of these things by now but i don’t learn or know what needs to be done until the situation arises. so yeah, it’s been humbling, difficult, and trying, and my LPN is detailed for another month. it feels great that i feel like i’m learning new things and figuring out how things need to be done. i just don’t like the initial feeling of where they say, “you don’t know how to do this?”, and then feel like a charity case when they show me what to do. there are so many RNs with so many perceptions, so many approaches, different teaching styles, and attitudes. you’d think i’d stick to someone for consistency but again, it’s who i can get out of necessity because i need to get it done and the “regular” people i’d ask are busy because i’m not pulling them away from their own things that take priority over mine. this whole COVID thing and outsourcing of resources couldnt have come at a worse time for me.

lighter side...i have a decent sense of character? sounds like a good thing so i’ll take it :P

curious...that post about “talk stuff out...seeing things from their perspective”. is that something you are getting from him? wanting from him? because i feel that that post kind of sums up how most of our “arguments/misunderstandings” work out. during serious and light hearted times. like when we’ve had our major arguments/misunderstandings and when one of us “leaves” hurt, invalidated, misunderstood, or burdensome to the other based on broken convos through here and real time. all it really took was a moment to take a step back, allow the other person to explain themselves or figure out together where the misunderstanding may have occurred, and to realize that we are better off figuring and resolving it together instead of dismissing it. what i do like about how we go about things though is that neither one of us “too proud” to not say “sorry” if one of us may be in the wrong. i don’t like when arguments escalate and never end because someone isn’t willing to admit they were in the wrong when they were clearly in the wrong. pride prevents them from doing so and it just makes things worse. but i do like how we are able to resolve our tough times, and we’ve had some of them. i am grateful that they haven’t been anything that we couldn’t handle and it’s what makes me confident in future conflicts. like i said, i am curious as to how a major one would play out but i’m not purposely going to make it happen just to satisfy that curiosity. it even happens with our funny/fun arguments like with the apple or the pear. it’s a joking thing but we still find a way to figure it out. i like how you and i just...work.

we making that cookie? :P

and yes...goofiness in all shapes and forms at any moment does make any moment that much better. especially during intimate moments where we are able to go from 60 to 0 because of some ridiculousness that ends up making both of us laugh and then going straight to 100 without skipping a beat because the random silliness is just so refreshing and makes me realize why i love you and it just spills into the physical aspect. your smile and laughter is as beautiful as it is sexy :)

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lov3nerdstuff · 5 years ago

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Playing Mario Kart with Loki

Loki x reader

Imagine: You ask Loki to play Mario Kart with you after almost getting killed on a mission. But the events of the day catch up with you sooner than expected.

Genre: tiny bit angsty, mainly fluffy 💗

Words: 3.1k

A.N.: I must admit, it sounds like a weird combo... Loki and Mario Kart. But give it a shot 💗✨ also, some Thor/reader Bromanze 😁

It was a quiet night in the Avengers' headquarters, everyone had gotten back from their mission safely and now the time had come for as much recreation as their busy schedule would allow. Everyone had their own way of unwinding and getting their thoughts off the events that had occurred that day. Today, you had almost died. Thor had almost died trying to save you. Natasha had almost died trying to save both of you. But for whatever miraculous reason all of you had gotten out with mere scratches and bruises, leaving the rest of the team guessing what really happened in that lab miles below the ground.

When you had gotten back to the compound, everyone had been shaken but cheerful. Except for Loki, who seemed rather his usual, stoic and slightly bored self. Only when he had accompanied you and Thor to get patched up you saw a slight twinkle of anger in his eyes, yet failed to interpret it. What would leave the god brooding and angry after a victory like this? He hadn't even been part of the mission, ordered to stay back despite your repeated pleas to Tony to let Loki join. You had long ago taken a liking to the intelligent god, and while his friendliness, if you could even call it that, declined drastically with time, your adoration only grew to become a consistent companion to your very thought. You doubted he knew about it, after all he hardly ever talked to you. He was always there, in the same room if it was possible, but always at a distance as large as the space would allow. To say it confused you was an understatement, to say it was a pain would be a lie. You liked having him around, but you respected his wish for space.

Once you had gotten all your minor wounds wrapped in bandages and were allowed to join the others in the living room, you were in desperate need for a little distraction. And you had just the right thing in mind. The living room was emptier than you had expected, some of your friends having left to head home to their families already. So now all there was left were the permanent residents, you, Thor, Loki, Natasha and Steve (who was probably either training again or in his room), and also Tony and Bruce. Maybe one of them would like to join you in your distraction.

"Hey guys…" You announced your entrance to the room and the smiling faces of your company greeted you.

"Y/N! I'm so glad you're okay!" Thor grinned at you and patted the spot next to him on the sofa, inviting you to sit down.

With a sigh you let yourself fall back into the fluffy cushions and leaned your head onto the backrest for a moment.

"Little tired?" Tony asked with his usual undertone of tease-dripping irony.

"Nah…" You said in the same tone. "I'm just waiting for you to be drunk enough so I can defenestrate you."

A single chuckle was to be heard from the opposite side of the room, coming from none other than Loki. Having amused him made your heart beat faster and your skin crawl with excitement and pride. You guessed that maybe no one else got the joke, simply because they didn't know the word.

"That means throwing you out a window." You added because you couldn't stand their confused stares and the awkward silence.

"Ooh!" Thor said and after two more silent seconds he laughed out loud. Sometimes he was indeed a little slow, nothing like his brother.

"Well, if you excuse me now, I gotta go check on the lab." Tony said with a sigh as he pushed himself off the barstool.

"You're just afraid that y/n kicks you out the window." Natasha remarked with a smirk.

"Yes, indeed. Caught me. Bruce, you coming?" Tony said as he practically dragged his friend out of the room.

"Cowards!" Broth you and Natasha called after them, leaving you to laugh at your synchrony.

"Hey, do you guys want to play Mario Kart with me?" You asked as you came down from laughter and the thereby inflicted pain.

"Yes!" Thor said immediately, already reaching for the TV remote and the controllers.

"I don't know…" Natasha said, yawning. "I think I might just go to sleep. Another time, y/n, okay?"

"Promise?" You smirked at your best friend.

"Yeah whatever you nerd…" She laughed and waved goodbye as she sauntered out of the room.

"Loki?" You asked just loud enough so that he would hear you all the way back in his corner.

"Hm?" He acknowledged you addressing him.

"Do you wanna play Mario Kart with us?" You asked and immediately blamed yourself for how hopeful your voice sounded. You didn't want to come off as desperate or needy, but then again you seldomly even addressed him directly outside of missions.

"Do you really think playing games after what happened today is appropriate?" He commented coldly, making the sinews of your heart twist painfully.

"I…" You knew that you didn't need to justify yourself, but you just couldn't shut up. "I don't want to think about today, okay? I don't want to think about any of it and if I don't distract myself right now I might very well crash and burn."

"And nobody wants that! She'd destroy the whole building!!!" Thor added dramatically, leaving you to playfully punch him in the arm with a small laugh. He always knew how to cheer you up and it made you eternally grateful to have him as a friend.

"Well, have fun then." Loki sighed, not once looking up from the book in his lap. You wondered what had happened to make Loki behave so coldly towards you. He was clearly pissed about something, you had learned to read some of his body language a while ago. You weren't sure if he knew you could though, because if he knew, he'd most certainly work on becoming even more cryptic.

Then you heard the infamous sound of the countdown before a race and your thoughts shot back to Thor and the TV.

"Hey!" You exclaimed as you grabbed your controller from him, just in time to start the race off on a good rank.

For the next few hours you focused only on the game and kicking Thor's ass in every single race if possible, laughing away with him and playfully shoving each other, especially on rainbow road.

You were so invested in the game that you didn't notice Loki staring at the two of you from his spot on the ground next to a floor-length window.

With an expression that clearly spoke of very mixed emotions he watched your every move, every smile and every laugh you shared with his brother. You sat way too close together for his liking and the playful banter got on his nerves more than it should.

Loki was used to your teasing and trash-talking with Natasha, and it always made him happy to see that the two of you were such good friends, but now that you did it with Thor he hated every second of having to watch it. It made his insides burn with a raging flame and his skin prickle with icy needles. His hands were clawing on the spine of the book he was desperately holding onto and he only noticed when his knuckles started hurting.

Thor let out a loud yawn, stretching his long limbs. "I think I'm done for today." He said, hardly able to keep his eyes open anymore.

"Oh come on! Please, don't leave me hanging!" You whined, suppressing the mild panic that arouse within you.

"I'm sorry y/n… we can continue tomorrow, okay? With Natasha!" Thor tried to cheer you up, but it wasn't working well. However you weren't that selfish and knew that he had already done as much as he could to keep playing. He placed his controller on the coffee table and got up. "Maybe you should sleep a little as well. Might help with… well. Just try, alright?" He said and kissed the top of your head, walking out of the room with a quiet goodnight.

You sighed, resting your head in your hands. There was no way you'd go to sleep, not now… not when you were desperately trying to keep the events of the day as far away from you as possible. And there were always the nightmares you had after every mission, those were a pain as well, and they only got worse the closer you had gotten to biting the dust.

There was a rustling next to you on the couch and you almost thought Thor had come back.

"So… how does one control this piece of technology?" Loki's smooth voice made you lift your head and stare at him in disbelief. You had completely forgotten that he was still in the room with you.

He picked up Thor's controller and twisted it in his hands suspiciously.

You smiled at him and took your controller as well. "For once the god of mischief doesn't know how something works?" You asked with a small smirk.

"Mock me and I'm gone." He glared at you, but the humor in his eyes gave him away.

"Alright." You smile and sit down more comfortable next to him. He followed your example and crossed his legs underneath him.

"See, you press this button…" You said and took his hand to move it to the right position. The skin on skin contact gave you the tingles, but you chose to ignore the sensation for now. "...to drive and then you use this thing…" You placed his other hand correctly as well. "...to steer. Press this other button to use items."

He nodded and you went to start a race.

"What do items do?" He asked while both your eyes were fixed on the huge screen in front of you.

"You'll find out, it's really not that difficult. If even Thor can do it…" You chuckled. Out of the corners of your eyes you could see Loki smirk and it made your heart race yet again.

You weren't at all surprised when Loki won the first race with ease. And also the second and third.

"Are you cheating?" You asked with a laugh as he also won the fourth race.

"Never! Well... Maybe a little. But I'd never beat you if I played fair." He chuckled, earning a glare from you.

"That's really unfair, you know… If I could just use magic to be good at everything my life would be a whole lot easier." You protested, humored, and started yet another race.

"I'm not good at everything." Loki commented as matter of fact.

"Excuse me if I don't believe you." You laughed. "Care to give an example?"

"I'm not good at making friends, for example…"

"I'm your friend." You replied in the same 'isn't it obvious' tone he had used before.

He pressed pause almost immediately after you had said that and turned to face you.

"Is something wrong?" You frowned, placing your controller on the table and turning towards Loki as well. "If I said something wrong I'm sorry, I…"

"You think you're my friend?" He asked and his voice sent chills down your spine and heat to your face.

"Am… am I not?" You blinked, feeling utterly stupid for the bold assumption. Saying something like that to anyone wouldn't be a huge problem at all, but things were always different with Loki, you usually knew that.

He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a long breath. You let yourself sink deeper into the cushions, wishing they would swallow you. But you also didn't want to lose him any more than you already had and so you started rambling.

"I mean, I know that we don't talk much, which is sad but okay, I mean, you don't talk much with anyone, and I… I just wanted to give you your space and all, but I always felt like we get along quite nicely, each in our own place and yeah, I just think that…"

"Can we talk about today?" He asked out of a sudden, snapping his eyes open and looking straight into yours.

For a second you were taken aback by his request. "Uhm, I don't really want to talk about it, not even think about it actually." You said quietly, looking down at your hands.

"Please, y/n…" His voice was but a mere whisper.

You gazed back up at him and the way he looked at you felt like a punch in the stomach. There was no way you could deny him a single thing if he kept looking like that.

"Fine." You breathed. "What do you want to know?"

"What do you remember?" He asked calmly, keeping his voice low but certain.

"Well, I went into this shed in the forest that we were passing through… it looked like it was tiny and empty and… then the floor opened up, I fell for a really long time…" Your brows furrowed as you tried to remember, suppressing tears you didn't want to cry.

"And then?"

"I… I don't know. I woke up in a cage of sorts, it was dark and cold and… everything hurt so freaking much..." Your voice broke, giving away your utter discomfort. "...then I heard Nat shouting, but I didn't see anything. There were people, many people I think. It was so dark… Then I heard more shouting. Screaming even, filled with agony and fear..."

"What happened after you picked the lock of that cage?" He asked, his eyes practically digging into yours.

You frowned once more. "I never said that I picked the lock."

Loki's eyes widened slightly, but he kept his cool. "Thor told me about it."

"No…" You breathed and finally failed to keep the tears out of your eyes any longer. "I didn't mention it to anyone. No one could've possibly known about that."

Loki closed his eyes and drew in a sharp breath, everything in his expression screaming fuck.

"Loki…" You said, your voice quavering despite every attempt to sound stern. "What did you do?"

He looked everywhere but at you, his fingers digging into his thighs so hard that his knuckles turned white.

"Tell me." You demanded, staring straight at him.

"I made sure that you would return home safely." He simply said and you could tell he was holding something back. But you wanted the truth, the whole truth, and his refusal to give it to you made you feel equally angry and desperate. So you did the most stupid thing you could've done and lunged at him in the vain attempt to get the upper hand in this conversation. Usually you were the last person to get physical during arguments, but right now you needed an outlet for all the stress and pressure almost dying had caused within you. And Loki was just giving you that. Despite every assumption, you were fast, faster even than the god, and so you found yourself sitting on his torso a second later, pinning him down onto the couch. "Tell. Me. What happened." You hissed once more, but it sounded more like a plea than a demand.

Loki looked up at you with wide eyes, filled with desperation and concern.

"Please, Loki…" You sobbed, cursing yourself for being so emotional. The last thing you needed now was for the god to mock you.

But seeing you desperate and broken like this pained Loki beyond measure and he felt his resistance to you vanish like an ice cube in boiling water.

"I followed you. On this mission and on every single one since the drone army in Canada." He said quietly.

"That was three years ago…" You breathed, staring at him incredulously.

"I followed you only to make sure you didn't get killed. I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to you while I'm back here at the compound, doing absolutely nothing to help. I never meant to doubt your ability of taking care of yourself, but I… I just couldn't let you go. I'm sorry for the betrayal and yet I am not sorry at all. Today, those mutants… they had the three of you locked up and the rest of that puny little team of self proclaimed heroes didn't even know you were in danger at that moment. I couldn't let them harm you, so for the first time in three years, I intervened." He finished with an almost scary tone to his voice.

"You killed them." You breathed.

"Yes." He replied equally quiet.

For a while you merely stared at him in doubt of what to do and he stared right back.

"Thank you…" You finally said, choking on yet unshed tears.

"Always." There was a sincerity in his eyes and a certainness that made your heart skip a beat.

"Why are you protecting me like that and yet hardly ever say a word to me?" You asked after another minute of silence, feeling a sense of relief at finally having addressed the biggest question you'd had for years.

"Do you remember that day when I made you a cup of my favorite tea?" He asked in return.

"Yeah, that was like… a week after you got here." You smiled for a second at the nice memory that still gave you butterflies after more than three years.

"That day Tony, Thor and Steve came to my room late at night… They warned me that if I didn't stay away from you and made sure you'd stay away from me as well, they wouldn't hesitate to kick you out of the team and well… do worse thing to me."

"And you listened to them?!"

"I didn't want you to lose your friends, your family, because of me. Even I can't be that selfish. Not with you." He placed a hand on top of yours, which were still pressing his shoulders down into the couch. "You are more, way more than a friend to me, y/n, and you have been from the beginning. I… I'm just not really good at showing what I really feel."

"Finally something we can agree on." You said. "But I believe it's just like Mario Kart."

Loki frowned at you, so you continued with a smile.

"You're going to be really good at it, if only someone shows you how to do it properly."

With that you leaned down, your face only an inch away from his, silently asking for permission to continue. As an answer, he quickly wrapped his arms around you and met your lips in a slow, but passionate first kiss.

If Mario Kart had distracted you from your demons, Loki simply made them vanish from your life altogether, as long as you had each other. And you were proud to say they never returned.

________

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asgardianthot · 5 years ago

Text

A funeral chuckle (Sambucky AU) – Part 3

one / two / three

Summary: After the loss of a family member, Sam returns to his hometown, where an old crush awaits.

A/N: Last part! Kinda regretting making this a short fic now, is it too late to change that? Yes. It’s kind of a long chapter so make some time, make some hot coco :) Thank you so much for reading xx

Words: 4623

Warnings: grief, angst, closeted gay characters

"What is it?"

Steve didn’t drift his view from the road ahead to respond to his friend’s question. They had spent the majority of the trip so far in utter silence, ever since Steve picked Sam up from the airport, which led both of them to believe there was an elephant in the room; weirdly so, they weren’t too sure about what the elephant represented. Most of the chat had happened during the time Steve helped Sam put his luggage in the trunk, and it had consisted of an overwhelmingly casual conversation.

"What?" Steve directed the reply to Sam, who sat on the co-driver’s seat, but focused on driving.

"Whatever you're thinking about.” Sam insisted, not buying Steve’s innocent attitude, “Spit it out."

The blonde shrugged, "I'm not thinking anything."

"Bull."

"Seriously, my mind is blank."

There was a hint of amusement slowly escaping Steve’s tone, and it only exasperated Sam even further.

"Minds are never blank." Sam followed his lead.

"I thought that was the whole point of meditating."

"You meditate?" he raised his eyebrows with skepticism.

"Nah.” Steve finally dropped the act with a smile, “Buck tried to get me to do yoga once, but it wasn't my thing."

There it was. The elephant in the room was Bucky. Steve must have figured it out, or maybe taken a guess, putting two and two together. Maybe Bucky had been the one to speak out about the whole situation, but Sam doubted it. All he knew was Steve wasn’t stupid, so he knew the pair had fought or had gotten themselves into an impasse. The silence that the mere mention of Bucky’s name brought upon the men sitting in that moving car was more than enough proof.

"At least say something, I'm not spending half an hour in silence.” Sam brushed it off, letting the excess of air in his tense lungs seep through his nose, “Tell me anything. How's work?"

"We spoke last week, Sam, you know all about work.” Steve was practically begging Sam to be honest as he tapped the wheel with his thumb, impatiently; unfortunately, he knew better than push Sam when he clearly didn’t want to break character, “I'm just glad you're back in town, 's all. Your mom really needs you tomorrow."

Sam looked down and nodded, "Yeah, I know."

In the time Darlene had spent as a widow, she had contacted his son many times, which only added to Sam’s guilt for leaving her so violently soon after Paul’s death. They both knew each other well enough to understand Sam’s reasons, though, and Darlene had never been a dependent woman. That didn’t mean, however, that she didn’t need her son. She just didn’t like admitting it so he wouldn’t worry, but that ship had sailed long ago. This time around, Sam’s bag was bigger. He was staying as long as he needed to.

"And I know last time was tough- I'm not asking.” Steve made sure to let Sam know he wasn’t prying, after all, “But maybe it'll be better this time around."

The occasion sort of sounded like a second funeral. And somehow, it kind of was. A month had passed, and Sam had left things like they were before. Both his mother and Bucky, abandoned. He couldn’t exactly expect the overall experience to be any better.

"How much can change in a month?"

Steve gave him a flash look, checking his expression.

"Let's hope something has." He tried to transmit his friend some optimism.

Sam checked his phone again, taking another look at the picture his mom had sent him. It was of a panel outside the church, and it read ‘Service in memory of Minister Paul Wilson, Sunday 10am’ along with a picture of the deceased. Below the information, a message in cursive: ‘One month without his wise words.’ Sam locked his phone with a sigh.

"So..." He put the device away, gathering a bit of courage, "How's, uh... how's Barnes?"

Steve glanced at him, again, this time with a much tentative expression, for he had some hope that maybe he’d get the truth out of Sam.

"He's fine. Why?"

Sam simply looked out the window before responding, "I may or may not have been a jerk last time."

Steve nodded, hiding his joy over such a small confession.

"You guys argued or...?"

"No, nothing like that. It's- it's nothing, really."

Of course, Sam took it all back, along with Steve’s hope to be in on the gossip, and so the latter gave up on his tact. He had enough of pretending not to know, and therefore, allowed his amusement ooze out of him. He shook his head as a soft chuckle made Sam frown.

"I'm sorry." He said, although he wasn’t really sorry.

"What's so funny?" Sam became defensive.

"You two are terrible liars, I don't know how you managed to stay in the closet for so long."

The last bit hit Wilson like a frying pan in the face, and all he could do was blink fast, trying to think of whatever other thing Steve could have meant by it.

"What are you talking about?" he pledged innocence to the matter.

"Come on, I know you two had something last month.” Rogers dropped the bomb with no caution whatsoever, “Was kind of expecting it, to be honest, I just can't believe you're hiding it from me again."

Sam was perplex. He opened his mouth, only to close it back, and when the offense surpassed the shock, he raised his voice at his best friend.

"You knew?"

"That you hooked up in high school?” Steve raised his eyebrows, as if he couldn’t even believe Sam never suspected it; he couldn’t possibly think he was so naïve, “Of course I knew!"

"Are you kidding me? We went the extra mile to keep you out of it for a full year, Rogers."

That last sentence brought back the laughter to Steve’s body, "I know, talk about a waste of time and effort." He chuckled.

"Jesus. We thought you'd freak out, and... I don’t know, we were kids! It seemed like something we needed to keep from you.” Sam let his head fall and caught his forehead in his hand, defeated, “Why didn't you say anything?"

Eventually, Steve quit the mocking and gave Sam some slack.

"I didn't wanna out you guys or anything.” He confessed, tilting his head, “To be honest, I totally forgot for a few years."

Sam nodded, "I think we did too."

Steve offered a grin Sam missed because he felt more comfortable looking anywhere but towards Steve. He knew Steve was being the most empathic and considerate friend anyone could ever ask for, and it only added to his already asphyxiating guilt.

"So, you two clicked again and you bolted?" Steve took his not-so-lucky guess, and got a shameful nod out of Sam, "Now he's mad and, let me guess, he won't return your calls."

Rogers knew Bucky to be a master when it came to avoiding conflicts; he didn’t know Sam to be one, though. Which is why the fact that Sam had disappeared from town without notice had led him to jump into conclusions, because he had to have a strong enough reason. The death of his father, plus his high school crush falling back into his arms, the latter representing the overwhelming reminder that Sam never came out to the right people? Those were more than perfect reasons to bolt.

"Yeah. I... he's too good.” Sam began the self-loathing parade Steve didn’t expect to be hearing from this friend, “He shouldn't waste his time with me."

"That's definitely not how he feels about himself.” He informed Sam, thinking how the ‘unworthy speech’ sounded more like something Bucky would say; Wilson looked at him, eager for answers, “You like him?"

"Yeah.” Sam let out a painful puff of air, “Yeah, but-"

"Then show him.” Steve raised his tone into a motivational one, “Go the extra mile to let him know you're sorry, and that you care about him."

Sam agreed, but remained silent. Steve was right, and he didn’t want to give the wise man all the credit. In fact, he gave Rogers an odd look.

"You're too excited for this."

"I am." Steve admitted shamefully, but planting a big smile on his face, "Feels like high school again."

For the first time, Sam interpreted that sentence in the best possible way.

Late at night, Bucky was boringly scrolling through social media, when he received a text from Sam. Another one. This time, however, his presence felt more imminent. He figured Sam wasn’t in DC anymore, as it was the night before the service, and when he opened the text, he confirmed it.

I'm back in town, got here a few hours ago. Maybe we could meet up? I really wanna talk to you in person.

As he ignored the message and left the phone on the coffee table, making a rather loud sound for such a delicate device, Wanda was coming through the door with two paper bags.

"I got Chinese!" she announced.

"Course you did." Bucky sat back with a sigh.

Wanda dropped the packed food on the counter and approached Bucky with a challenging look.

"If that's an insult to my culinary taste, I'm not offended. But you should know you offend the Chinese community." She accused the man.

"Yeah, ‘cause that was cooked by a Chinese person." Barnes tilted his head, sarcasm thick on his voice.

"You don't know that!" she defended herself as she plopped down next to him on the couch.

She noticed the phone and noticed how unnatural the set-up seemed, which could only mean Bucky was avoiding something on the device; it wasn’t too difficult to guess, for he had been ghosting the same person for an entire month.

“Are we still ignoring him?” she asked, including herself in the decision.

Bucky pursed his lips and nodded, fixating his sight on a random spot, “He’s back in town.”

Wanda bit the inside of her cheek, pensive, before turning to his roommate.

“I have a question… Are you sure you don’t wanna give him a second chance? Or is it just your hurt pride making decisions?”

“Both.” He spat without thinking, and then decided to dignify the woman with a proper answer, “I don’t know. I just… I don’t wanna listen if all he has to say is that he doesn’t, you know…”

“In my experience, guys don’t blow up your phone when they just want to explain their lack of interest. Maybe he made a mistake, dude, maybe he wants to win you back.”

“Or maybe, he needs to tell me how much he cares before explaining why he can’t be with me.” Barnes said what he had been thinking all throughout the past weeks, “That’s Sam. I’m pretty sure he wants to make sure not to hurt my feelings and that sort of crap.”

Wanda wanted to comment on his pessimism, but she figured it was simply coming from a place of ‘I care about him too much to see him reject me’. And if that wasn’t the oddest thing she’d seen in Bucky, nothing would be.

“God, it’s weird when you’re in love.” She scrunched her nose.

“I’m not in love.” Bucky rolled his eyes before standing up from the interrogation couch.

“Where you ever?” she was quick to ask, which made Bucky stop in his tracks, “When you were kids?”

He reflected on it, but shook his head, “Nah, I don’t think so. We had fun, though.”

That answer alone helped Wanda paint the picture of the two boys, running around finding an isolated space where to hookup, before returning to their friends like nothing had happened. She imagined them laughing, and being nice to each other; Bucky, who wasn’t necessarily the nicest person alive.

“You were good friends.” She smiled, almost proud of her roommate for some reason.

“Yeah, we were.” He admitted, a smile of his own sneaking in through his features; suddenly, the realization that he owed Sam something because of all those years of friendship hit him like a truck, “Fuck, I hate you.” He groaned, heading to his room.

“What did I do?” Wanda jumped to her defense.

“Now I have to go to the service.”

Inside the church, Bucky nervously fixed his tie while he watched Sam hold hands with his mother. The woman kissed her son’s cheek before she sat down in the front row, Sam turning to check if there were anything or anyone else he needed to attend to. He had been doing the social effort he despised all morning, as if he was trying to make up for being a lousy griever during the funeral. Truth was, Sam figured he could do those extra little sacrifices if it meant his mama would remain peaceful.

When his eyes found Bucky, Samuel’s body came to a halt. Bucky, having stood in that position preparing for that moment for the past minutes, managed to greet him with a simple nod, barely. As soon as Sam moved in his direction, he began regretting even showing up. But as much as he wished to be able to run away, he forced his muscles to remain still.

"Hey.” Sam offered him a mild smile of politeness when he stood in front of Bucky, “Wanna talk?"

The appellee bit the inside of his cheek, finding himself incapable of lying to Sam.

"Not really." He admitted.

The dryness of the reply was not what Sam had been expecting. Those two words took him by surprise, but he understood where they came from, so he attempted to convince him nevertheless. He showed him an awkward smile, one that yelled embarrassment.

"That's, uh... fair. That's fair.” He indulged Bucky, “I just- I've been trying to reach you for a month, Buck. Been texting, calling-"

"I know.” Barnes didn’t need to hear the entire list of ways he had ghosted Sam, “I got them."

"I'm not asking for you to be nice or anything, I just want you to talk to me.” Sam’s tone lowered to a much more serious and confident one, “Please."

Noticing the sudden switch of approach, Bucky felt he at least owed him a chance to speak his truth. Even if all Sam had to say were excuses. So he gestured to the exit with a tilt of his head, implying for Sam to follow him. As soon as they both stood on the side of the stairs, and away from everyone else, Bucky slid his hands inside his pocket, preparing for the speech he feared he would dread.

"You can talk." He gave Sam the room to express whatever he had to express, this time with a smaller voice.

It broke a little piece inside Sam’s chest to see Bucky like that. Not just upset, but sad. He almost didn’t want to do this, because Bucky looked like he was preparing to have a bomb dropped on him. Yet he desperately needed to apologize and he desperately needed to try one more time, therefore he stood up straight, head up high, and let it all out.

"I messed up.” The words were expulsed with heaviness, making Bucky glance up at him, “Big time. I really, really like you, and...” He shrugged, failing to keep the continuous confidence, while Bucky fought back a frown that threatened to take over his features, “I don't know, it felt like we were on the same page, right?"

"But we weren't. That's why you left.” Bucky interrupted, “Still, you could've been less of a dick about it.”

"I agree."

"Which part?"

"Last part.” Sam jumped to make that point come across clearly; he definitely cared for Bucky just as much as Bucky cared for him, if not more, “Definitely last part, I- I was a dick. But I didn't mean to, and it didn't mean what you think it meant."

Finally convinced, Bucky didn’t use the gap of silence Sam offered him. He didn’t say a word, meaning he was willing to listen, which gave both of them a spark of hope. Sam seized the opportunity to spill everything out before they had to go back inside.

"You were the best thing that could've happened when I came back. You still are, Bucky. And this is probably the worst time to be doing this, but can we please meet up after the memorial? We can talk things through, you can... curse me out if you wanna. I just need the proper time to apologize. Because I really am incredibly sorry."

As the service approached its start and everyone found their seats, Darlene stopped Steve and his mother Sarah from sitting behind her.

“Oh, darling, come sit here with us.” She told the Rogers, speaking directly to her friend Sarah.

“Are you sure?” the woman asked.

“Yes, yes.” Darlene gestured quickly, then addressed the man that seemed to spare, “James, you too. Sammy should have his friends with him.”

As much as Bucky eyes Sam in search for an exit, for Sam to find an excuse, none of them seemed to have much of a choice. The three guests joined the grieving family on the front row, Sam remaining on the last end, sticking with his mother.

Not minutes after the priest started speaking, Darlene was a crying mess. Sam remembered what his old-fashioned father said about handkerchiefs and regretted not carrying one for his mother, but she had prepared for this day by bringing a box of tissues in her oversized purse, so Sam merely squeezed her hand for support. The problem was, when the priest announced they would be reading Paul’s favorite poems, and the first one just so happened to be about the relationship between a father and a son. Two verses later, Sam felt it coming. Something snapped inside of him, perhaps the fact that everyone in that church was thinking of Sam and Paul’s bond, or maybe all the crying he hadn’t done in a month hit him like a wave, but the result was simple; Sam couldn’t fight the sentiment.

The tears claimed him and he let it happen, wet face and snotty nose and all. He stopped listening to the poem and instead remembered how Paul always told him it was okay to cry, which brought Sam the much needed peace he required in that moment, because he figures the entire church was quietly pitying him. He could feel a hundred eyes burning the back of his head as he shut his eyes and a grimace invaded his features.

All of a sudden, the funniest thought crossed his mind and a smirk overtook him. Paul always told him it was okay to cry. Soon enough, that smirk became a concealed chuckle, which quickly escalated into a full-on laugh. Sam thought he might sound insane to the rest of the attendants, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the irony of it all. Eventually, Darlene inclined to check up on her seemingly crazy son.

"Sorry, it’s just… Dad always said I should express my feelings more.” Sam whispered, trying to keep the laugh in but failing, “He'd do anything to get me to open up and... show emotion.” The last few words caused a wave of chuckles to erupt on his chest, getting even more attention from everyone else, “If you told him I would do it in his church for his memorial, in front of his entire congregation...”

When Sam looked up, he saw his mother cracking up along with him, tears of joy mixing with the former tears of sadness, and with a sense of calm, Sam shook his head amusingly.

"He'd curse me out.”

Darlene sniffed before speaking with regained composure, “Paul never cursed in front of you.”

That made Sam lose it. He didn’t even know if he was snorting or laughing by now.

“I know, he said- he said he was saving it for a special time.”

As the sentence gained a similar reaction from Steve, Sarah and Bucky, mother and son noticed the entire first row could hear them perfectly. Sam’s eyes naturally travelled to find Bucky, who flaunted a big smile. Bucky always knew it would be Sam to hold the proud title of the perpetrator of a rare funeral chuckle. He never lost hope.

Sam was opening his car door, out in the parking lot behind the church, when Bucky came out of nowhere. Sam’s muscles tensed as he knew for a fact he was only there to talk, while Bucky looked around to make sure they didn’t have any public. He didn’t give Sam any time to prepare before he started rambling.

"I shouldn't have ignored you.” He spat out, more sure of himself than Sam had seen him in a while, “I should've listened, and I'm sorry.”

A sigh left Sam’s chest. He didn’t think it was Bucky who should be apologizing, but that only meant the latter had already forgiven him. Still, he felt the guilty need to step in while he leaned back on the carhood.

“Bucky, I-“

“I don’t care.” Barnes stepped closer, “As long as you forgive me too, I’m good.”

The instant Bucky finished his micro speech, he sprinted to grab Sam’s face and press his lips against him. It pushed Sam’s body slightly so that they were both pressing against the car, and although Sam was fairly shocked, he gave into the kiss completely, at the last seconds. When Bucky stepped back, waiting to see Sam’s reaction, tentatively, he was met with flushed cheeks and embarrassment.

Sam looked around, which made Bucky realize that he was expecting people, and therefore, right now they did have a public. Darlene, Steve and his mother were standing there with triumphant grins and smirks. Bucky ran a hand through his hair, quickly losing his previous confidence.

"Shit." He let out with a nervous laugh.

Sam laughed back, “It’s okay, they’re nosy people, you’re giving them a show.” He directed the insult to the three spectators.

“Do you guys need a minute?” Steve stepped in.

Sam nodded. “Yes, a minute would be nice.”

Sam was finishing writing in his journal, when the doorbell rang.

Bucky had suggested the idea of a journal, for Sam to write down his feelings of grief, and it definitely was helping with the young man’s epiphanies. Today’s page began with a mention of how easy it had been to adapt to his hometown the past few weeks. Sam wrote about his mother, and how she didn’t let her grief take her down, but actually played the widow part like a champ. He also wrote about Bucky, and how patient he was with Sam’s feelings, and how he himself was ready to hold Bucky’s hand in public. The page ended in a meaningful paragraph:

I haven’t felt like I deserved to mourn him, because I kept focusing about everything I didn’t get to do with him. I wish I’d had the courage, because Paul Wilson always taught me to be brave, and I just feel like I let him down. But then mama, the person who knew him better than he knew himself, reminded me of something: he was the single most empathic person in the world, and he never judged a person who came to him. He would have welcomed me with any problem or confession, and that’s what I want to remember. His memory, to me, is one of a kind man who was always there for me, even if I didn’t seek his help.

“Sammy, the Barnes boy’s here for you!” Darlene called up.

Sam walked down the stairs and rolled his eyes when he was sure his mother could see him.

“We’re not fifteen, mama.” He mocked her choice of words.

Bucky, on his part, was standing on the doorstep with a frown, “Was I supposed to bring flowers?”

“Only if you wanna stay for dinner.” Sam warned him while putting on a coat.

“I do want to stay for dinner.” Bucky said just to mess with Sam, but gave Darlene a look that meant he was serious, “Thank you, ma’am.”

“Anytime, love.” She gave him a graceful nod.

“We’re leaving.” Sam groaned before shutting the door behind him.

Bucky gave him a peck on his temple before they started walking down the street. It would be a short walk to the coffee shop, but it gave Sam enough time to hold Bucky’s hand. With some real courage and gathered enthusiasm, Sam found Bucky’s gloved hand. He sloppily reached for his fingers, and received some help from Bucky, who looked down with a smile when their hands were completely intertwined.

They fell into comfortable silence, until Sam remembered a topic of conversation they had left behind.

“What did Wanda say about the charity work?” he asked like he’d forgotten something important, “Is she in?”

Bucky’s roommate had agreed to help the Wilsons with some church work Sam had taken over, including donation events and organization. The young woman had already made a bunch of jokes about not being able to step foot in a Christian church.

“Yeah, she said she could betray her Jewish ancestors for a few days.” Bucky replied, raising his eyebrows at the memory of her dramatization, “Said if I’d done it, so could she.”

“Yeah, but you went there to score a real handsome guy.” Sam joked.

Bucky smiled and stopped in order to find Sam’s face and cup it, “And what could be more godly than that?”

The couple joined in a kiss, there in the middle of the street, and although it wasn’t a very populated one, it proved their willingness to step into the spotlight. They didn’t want to be a secret anymore. When they broke the kiss, Sam gave Bucky’s hand a little squeeze, and they continued walking.

“I’m happy, Bucky.” Sam confessed out of the blue.

It brought a confused smile to Bucky’s face, “Well, I’m glad.” He said, unsure.

“No, I mean I’m happy here. I’m not going back to DC.” He announced with such tranquility, it made Bucky’s gut do a full twist, “That job you mentioned downtown? I’m taking it.”

Bucky’s heart warmed to the idea, because he would have followed Sam to DC if he had asked him, but instead, Sam decided to stay, and there was something very beautiful about that choice.

“You’re gonna have to stay with your mom.” Bucky reminded him of the downside, like he wasn’t as thrilled as anyone could ever be.

“Yeah, for a while.” Sam shrugged, “She’s partly the reason I want to stay, you know.”

Bucky nodded, keeping a big happy grin concealed.

“What’s the other reason?”

“Just this guy.” He followed along.

“Really, what’s he like?”

“Kinda cute. He betrayed his ancestors for me a bunch of times.”

“Shut up.” Bucky rolled his eyes as he reached for Sam’s sweater and pulled him in for a kiss.

For a long time, Sam had avoided his hometown. He had avoided the people from his childhood, he had avoided his relationship with his parents, and so much more that now seemed indispensable. Not only had he found Bucky, but he felt like he was finally where he belonged. He felt like Bucky was the only person who knew him entirely growing up, and somehow, they both needed each other to be reminded of themselves.

Holding Bucky’s hand, walking down his childhood street where they both would sneak through at night during their teenage years, he felt home. And he planned on keeping that feeling for a long, long time.

#sambucky #sambucky au #sam wilson x bucky barnes #sam/bucky #marvel fanfiction #sambucky fluff #sam wilson/bucky barnes #angst #tfatws #fatws #the falcon and the winter soldier #tftws #tw: grief #tw: gay closet

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